cherokeechief
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Posts posted by cherokeechief
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Subject: Fwd: Fw: Hu's on first?
>Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this the other day after Hu Jintao was
>named chief of the Communist Party in China.
>
>HU'S ON FIRST
>By James Sherman
>
>(We take you now to the Oval Office, where National Security Adviser
>Condoleeza Rice is talking to the President.)
>
>George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
>
>Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
>
>George: Great. Lay it on me.
>
>Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
>
>George: That's what I want to know.
>
>Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
>
>George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
>
>Condi: Yes.
>
>George: I mean the fellow's name.
>
>Condi: Hu.
>
>George: The guy in China.
>
>Condi: Hu.
>
>George: The new leader of China.
>
>Condi: Hu.
>
>George: The Chinaman!
>
>Condi: Hu is leading China.
>
>George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
>
>Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
>
>George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
>
>Condi: That's the man's name.
>
>George: That's who's name?
>
>Condi: Yes.
>
>George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
>of
>China?
>
>Condi: Yes, sir.
>
>George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
>Middle East.
>
>Condi: That's correct.
>
>George: Then who is in China?
>
>Condi: Yes, sir.
>
>George: Yassir is in China?
>
>Condi: No, sir.
>
>George: Then who is?
>
>Condi: Yes, sir.
>
>George: Yassir?
>
>Condi: No, sir.
>
>George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
>China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
>
>Condi: Kofi?
>
>George: No, thanks.
>
>Condi: You want Kofi?
>
>George: No.
>
>Condi: You don't want Kofi.
>
>George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of
>milk. And then get me the U.N.
>
>Condi: Yes, sir.
>
>George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
>
>Condi: Kofi?
>
>George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
>
>Condi: And call who?
>
>George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
>
>Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
>
>George: Will you stay out of China?!
>
>Condi: Yes, sir.
>
>George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
>U.N.
>
>Condi: Kofi.
>
>George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the
>phone.
>
>(Condi picks up the phone.)
>
>Condi: Rice, here.
>
>George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
>Should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get
>Chinese food in the Middle East?
>
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THE MAGIC CELL PHONE
A young man with a beautiful blonde
(cross that out and put in Ditz)
wife wants to give
her something nice and useful for their first wedding
anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.
She is all excited, she loves her shiny, tiny, new phone.
He shows her and explains to her all the wonderful
features on the phone.
The next day the blonde (ditz) goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband.
"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your
voice is clear as a bell but there's one
thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, hun?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
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Subject: Ethel, the Wheelchair Demon
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the
nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on
the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a
picnic, the other residents tolerate her and some of the men actually join
in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Crazy
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"Stop!", he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held
it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped
out in front of her and shouted, "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Mad Malcolm
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in
his hand. "Oh, no" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"
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1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
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This is what a computer is supposed to do! Click on the link below and then type in your first name...
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These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the
last one.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
====
====
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
====
====
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
====
====
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
====
====
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
====
====
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
====
====
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
====
====
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
====
====
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
====
====
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
====
====
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
====
====
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
====
====
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
====
====
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
====
====
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
====
====
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
====
====
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
====
====
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
====
====
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
===-
====
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
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here is a tid bit for you, the federal dot has temporary lifted the HOS rules for tanker trucks. which means that tanker trucks do not have to follow the hours of service regulations during this fuel crisis.
it still is going to get worse before it gets better
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go to this link,
http://www.aumha.org/win5/kbestop.htm
and then select 7A on the left side.
there is 2 links there that address that stop error message.
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i always delete the files in the temp folder. of course, there are at least one file sometimes two that will not delete.
temp folder is as it implies, it is a temp storage folder. some installs put files there for when they install. once an install is done, then they are no longer needed.
there is also a temp folder in the windows folder that should also get cleaned.
you could also clean it out after a restart, or when you start up the PC the next time.
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well on Tue diesel was 2.789 in Pa, and wed, it was 2.74 in In, and in Oh today, i paid 2.859. and guessing in Pa where i am tonight, it is close to or above 3.00.
this is getting bad.
look for price of goods in stores to start to go up do to transport companies having to make shippers or recievers take some of the increase in fuel prices.
heard rumors that it could go up to $5 a gal for gas, or more.
boy were the refineries stupid for building on the coast where hurricanes could hit.
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oh, definatly the wrong thing to say
-
or a town called French Lick, In.
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OK, i'm getting in on this now.
from what i have read, you are having at least three major issues.
1) the cpu is being overworked, causing it to run hotter than it should.
2) you say you have extra fans, then i am wondering if you have upgraded your power supply. if you are usig the original power supply, it is being ran up to its limit or beyond.
3) updating your drivers, is good, have you updated your via 4 in 1 drivers?
what most of what parrotgeek and Pete C have told you is true.
also making the comments about your dad, is not a good thing.
but from what you stated you have, and what the game requirements are, it looks liek the major mistake is trying to run games on a system that is not up to par for the games.
now you more than likely have things running when you are playing the games.
that also adds more use to the CPU. that is why games haev minimum requirements. if your sytem does not meet them, then you will have problems.
listen to pete and parrotgeek. they know.
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ya I see where you came up with that :-) , but the big manufactures still have to pay microsoft to install windows on your computer even if they do or do not give you a cd.
I would guess hp or dell, pay at least $70 per computer just to install the os on your system, with or without giving you a disc.
<{POST_SNAPBACK}>
well i have dealt with this before.
HP, and Compaq i know for sure have what is a fat32 recovery partition.
it is a small part of the hard drive and to access it you hit F10during the boot up to enter te recovery program. which can reformat and reinstall XP and all of the software that came with the PC when it was new.
the reason for this is cost.
the manufactures use a multi licencing XP OEM version in which they get many keys for XP and use them on the ones they manufactured. they are not required to give you an XP install CD. i have talked to MS about this before.
they give either a set of recovery disks, something like 7 of them, or they put everything on a small partition on the hard drive and is only accessable thru boot up.
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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick.
How did the tugboat get AIDS? It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW or Corvette? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
(this also goes for differance between a fairy tale and a trucker story)
My, my, how times have changed. Years ago... When 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
i have many more in storage. maybe i will post more thru the week or next week end, enjoy.
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7. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
6. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS...
Police in Oakland, CA spent tow hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside thime IN THE POLICE LINE, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up".
5. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for THREE HOURS until police showed up and grabbed him.
4. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
3. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "NO!" the man shouted, "This is her husband
2. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America without a weapon. King used his thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand IN HIS POCKET.
1. THE GRAND FINALE....
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everytihg in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath...he came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER............THIS IS TRUE.......... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
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Defense Attorney: "Would you please state your age to
the court for the record."
Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words,
what happened to you on the night in question."
Little Old Lady: "There I was sitting on my porch
swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes walking
up the porch stairs and sits down beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "Then what happened after he sat
down beside you?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, he started to rub my thighs."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't."
Defense Lawyer: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody has done that
since my Homer passed away 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "Then what happened?"
Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my breasts."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Lady: "No"
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "Well your honor, his rubbing made me
feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in
years."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, I started to feel so spicy
that I said to him, 'Take me young man.'"
Defense Attorney: "And did he take you?"
Little Old Lady: "No. That's when he yelled April
Fool!.. and THAT'S WHEN I SHOT HIM."
-
This has got to be one of the funniest stories I've heard in along time
and, I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a
true story, from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed, from
a recording, monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say
the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without cause."
The following is an actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer
Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations).
"Ridge Hall Computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappear."
"Hmmm. So what does you screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does you monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. "Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know?"
"Well. Then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so"
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer"
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming from
the window"
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't "
"No, why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.....a power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"
"Well, yes I keep them in the closet"
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system, and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f*%$*#@ stupid to own a computer"
had to edit it because a one word.
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Two Hillbillies
okay rolffff i had to do it hee-hee wheeeeee
Two Hillbillies in Arkansas were having the
blue plate special (Road Kill) at their favorite diner,
when they heard this awful choking sound.
They turned around to see a lady, a few bar
stools down, turning blue from wolfing down
a burger too fast.
The first hillbilly said to the other,
"Think we otta' hep?"
"I reckon," said the second hillbilly.
The first hillbilly got up and walked over
to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?"
She shook her head no. "Kin yew talk?" he asked.
She again shook her head no.
With that he helped her to her feet,
lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked, she coughed up the
obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said,
"Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever'time".
-
The Doctor's Office
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.
I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my private part," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
-
thanks chappy !! from what i get from your post you are a nam vet also ??
No flash4...I'm not a Nam Vet, its just his Agent Orange symptoms are quite similar to the symptoms I have with Diabetic Peripheral Neuropathy. He's gone thru hell with his problems recently, as I have, and we use each other for mutual support sometimes
.Somehow its very comforting to talk to someone who knows EXACTLY what you're going thru, because they're going thru it also.
<{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Hey Chappy, when yuo talk to Marsh, you tell him my thoughts and prayers are with him.
he should look at the good side and be proud for each day that he can get up and walk and breath.
i know about that agent orange because i have known a few that got it.
i was still in school when that was going on, but i learned alot about that crap that got into our troops system. and many have lost the battle with it, and there are many that are still fighting it.
just make sure he knows that i will pray that he getrs through it.
-
Patrick was also the onewho loved to overclock, and if something did not work, he loved to take a sledge hammer to it.
if i remember correctly they tried to hide it from him for a while til he got another one.
he destroyed a mac and also a pc. and a hard drive.
he also liked using nitrogen to cool the cpu and overclock it to the max.
-
here is a quick way to rename your recycle bin.
the reg edit that was kellys' XP Korner, had made a little mistake and it will not work with out a simple change.
so i will skip on what to change and tell you how to make a reg file that will enter when you double click on it.
open up your note pad. and copy and paste this to it
Windows Registry Editor Version 5.00
[HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT\CLSID\{645FF040-5081-101B-9F08-00AA002F954E}\ShellFolder]
"Attributes"=hex:70,10,00,20
"CallForAttributes"=dword:00000000
name the file recyclerename.reg, and save it.
then when you double click on it it will be entered to the registry, and then when you reboot, you rt click on the recycle bin, you will see rename there.
have fun.
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just wandering. if any of you post here while your supposed to be working?
<{POST_SNAPBACK}>
work?!?!
whats that?
Pumpkin Patch
in The Comedy Club
Posted
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the
article was
"Best Comeback Line Ever."
Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white
male,
resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38
p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious
behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett
County courthouse
on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was
passing a pumpkin
patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft
and squishy
inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At
least I thought
there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to
say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin
that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a
hole in it, and
proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I
was just really into it,
you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual
situation, that's for
sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence)
and he's...just
working
away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what
happened when she
approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse
me sir, but do you
realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was
there, and then looked
me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin?
Damn...is it midnight
already?'