tg1911
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Posts posted by tg1911
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Paul, a guy on the local beach, just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he
heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old
swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta
style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two
sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' you
man... you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybody on
the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces,
turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"CHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"
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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of
sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter, being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles
from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation!
Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening
he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter
and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I
saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
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A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there
for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The
bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very
deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, before
you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair
....given that you are blind, that you should know five
things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball
bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a
professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still
wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a
second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah...not if
I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people
here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his
glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has
ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and
tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I'da sworn you said "Goats."
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I particularly like #'s 4, 9, 10, and 12.
1. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
2. How many personal injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three one to change the light bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and one to sue
the ladder company.
3. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two
to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their
time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a
secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
4. Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
Cats keep covering them with sand.
5. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure outwhich side
to spit on.
6. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
7. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
8. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
9. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
10. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
11. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
12. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
13. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
14. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
15. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
16. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your honor.
17. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
18. What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys
to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight, that
need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then
respond in writing, on the lower half of the form, what remedial action was taken.
Then the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by
Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are
you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside
your damn cat."
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To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons
Civil Engineers build targets.
"Normal" people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet"
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing
whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building
a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
to the lab and get some work done."
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called
out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with
you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and
that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said,
"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog, now that's cool."
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FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
And knows the answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a blind-deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns
a liquor store, and a bass boat.
Amen
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I thought I'd seen that one before.
After going through some of my jokes I found it.
It was part of a 4 question test with a bonus question.
That was the bonus question.
Here's the first 4 questions of the test:
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer
them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this! Are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky math!
Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000.
Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?
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Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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Answer: Nunu?
NO! Of course not.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again
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Now that's the way to cut grass.
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yes thats it Tg1911
thanks so much !!!
Your quite welcome, flashh4.
Wasn't sure if that was what you were talking about.
Glad it worked out for you.
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64.........worse than I thought
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY
........Pipex!!!!
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A dog psychic?
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Thanks, Chappy.
This is going to come in handy!
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Ahhhhhh, the good ole days.
Sure do miss them, somrtimes.
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I have several Notepad documents that I keep my links, and canned speechs in.
If you want a link to work, you have to save the link coded, using BB Code (or whatever code other boards use).
This,
[URL=http://www.besttechie.net/]Besttechie[/URL]
, best site on the net.
will give you this (when copied and pasted from Notepad):
Besttechie, best site on the net.
Just put in the URL, and the name/text, you want to use.
This,
[URL=http://www.besttechie.net/][COLOR=red][SIZE=5][B]Besttechie[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR][/URL]
, best site on the net.
will give you this:
Besttechie, best site on the net.
I think, this is what you were talking about.
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I'll be waiting, too.
Sounds like a right handy feature.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY
.Canoeingkidd!!!!
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY
....mlegg510!!!!
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...... is there a recovery thing on Adaware? I know there is on Spybot.
The only "restore" feature that I know of, in Ad-aware, is the Quarantine feature, which is what I use.
Instead of clicking Next, to have it fix the problems, click the Quarantine button.
I usually keep them in Quarantine for about 2 weeks.
If I don't have any problems, I delete them.
If you do have problems, you can restore them, scan again, then Quarantine the ones you know aren't required.
One More Blond Joke
in The Comedy Club
Posted
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If
she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered
incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It
was: "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead
lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor;
the buzzard; C) the
cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on
the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline.
All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped
against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that
she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no
alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is : The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing
a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had
given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the
logical thing to do On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such
confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely
correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including
the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how
to thank you," said the contestant "Because of your knowing the answer to that final
question, I am now a millionaire.
And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you
answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how
did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.
They live in clocks."