jimras
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Posts posted by jimras
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Things I've Learned Living in Kentucky:
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes ... and 4,998 live in Kentucky.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Kentucky, plus
a couple no one's seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
"Onced" and "twiced" are words.
It is not a "shopping cart;" it's a "buggy."
People actually grow and eat okra.
Fixinto is one word.
There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then
there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when
you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
"Backards and forwards" means "I know everything about you."
"DJeet?" is an actual phrase. It means, "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time
it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You don't "push" buttons, you "mash" them.
You know you're from Kentucky if ...
... you measure distance in minutes.
... you've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
... you use "fixinto" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixinto go to the store."
... all the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect or animal.
... you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
... you know what a "DAWG" is.
... you carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
... you only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
... the local papers cover national and international news on one page,
but they require six pages each for local gossip and sports.
... you think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
... you find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
... you know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and
Christmas.
... going to Wal-mart is a favorite pastime known as "goin' Wal-martin'"
or "off to Wally World."
... you describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as "good
pinto bean weather."
... a carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. It's a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"
... fried catfish is the other white meat.
... we don't need no stinkin driver's ed ... if our mama says we can
drive, we can drive.
... you understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from
Kentucky (and those who just wish they were).
Not EVERYONE can be a Kentuckian; it's an art form and a gift from God
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Yah, sure........good stuff, you bet'cha!!
jim
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A conductor became ill before a concert one evening and the orchestra had to find an emergency substitute conductor immediately. The only person in the orchestra with any conducting experience was the 2nd trombone player. He bravely and meticulously conducted the concert and it was a tremendous success.
The regular conductor had recovered by the next night and was back on the job. As the trombone player took his seat in the orchestra, the 1st trombone player turned to him and said,
"So, where were you last night?"
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A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled out his head and look in the mirror, and saw the best haircut of his life. "Would wonders never cease!
This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $10."
"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents."
"Oh, man.... do I ever need that!" He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member..which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.
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Some Email programs allow you to do this without
having to jump thru all those hoops.
I use Eudora Pro (4.2) and I can put a group
together in my address book and then
reference that group in the "To" field and
when it is sent, everybody just sees the
group name and NOT the list of all the addresses.
Your points are good and so is your advise
jim
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Love it!!
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OH, I thought you were supposed
to drink beer till you turned green.........
My mistake!!
Ha Ha........
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True---you have to consider the size of your HD.
Mine is 80 Gig so 3% is about 2½ Gigs of space.
If I had a smaller drive, then I would probably set
it for a larger amount.
jim
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I learned a neat tip the other day.
I'm sure that a lot of you already know that you can free up some HD
space by right clicking on the recycle bin and going to properties and
setting the slider back to about 1 or 2%
Did you also know that the System Restore can be set back, too?
The default setting here is 12% and that's a lot. You can safely
set that back to about 2 or 3% and save a lot of space here, too.
Go to Start Menu-All Programs-Accessories-System Tools-System Restore
and then choose System Resore Settings on the left side of the page.
jim
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Good one!!
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Took my state refund and turned it over to the feds.
I had enough left over to take my wife out for
dinner.....a nice one but not a fancy one.
Oh well, I didn't end up having to pay in to both
like some years.
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Thanks to ALL of you for your input.
It looks like Core FTP is the closest to the
program she was using.
Thanks again!!! You guys are GREAT!!
jim
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Thanks..
I could do it with Linux but that's not an option for daughter.
She would be totally lost with the Windows FTP also.
She was doing OK with WS_FTP but she's kinda like me(Cheap!!)
and would rather not pay for it if she didn't have to.
Any other ideas??
jim
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HI all
My daughter has a web site and of course, it needs to
be updated from time to time.
She was using WS_FTP to do this but the time has
run out.
Is there a GOOD FTP program out there that is
freeware??
Thanks.........jim
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Ya.sure......dat's why Sven, he sleeps in da garage so much.
Don't 'cha know?
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Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a
Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.
The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has
the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly
shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only
the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him
what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud
from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new
game called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had
the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that
true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one!"
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A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf. The man has a little dog with him, and on the first green, when he sinks a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip, stands up on its hind legs and walks around in circles.
Amazed, the friend says, “Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?â€
“Somersaults,†the man says.
“Somersaults!†the friend exclaims. “That's incredible. How many does he do?â€
“It all depends on how hard I kick him.â€
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Good one Liz
Got any of this snow yet?
jr
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A husband and wife came for counseling after 43 years of
marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in
the 43 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry
list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient
length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after
asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a
daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said,
"This is what your wife needs at least three times a
week!
The husband thought for a moment and replied,......
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and
Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
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One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher
prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer
in a gay
cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they
put
money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will
go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.
"The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee
and is helping get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibillity was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
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Glad you liked it, Liz
jr
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1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argume nt when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
If you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house, it means two seconds.
3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing"
usually end in "Fine."
4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about "Nothing" (see #3).
6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and
hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question, make sarcastic
remarks or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8) Whatever: A women's way of saying "Drop dead!"
9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do
several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result
in a man asking "What's wrong?". See #3.
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Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really
liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big
muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other
over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents !!!!
Prostate Cancer Part 2
in Open Chat
Posted
Hey, handplane........
Hang in there, buddy.
My Father-in-law had that done, too and he's
doing fine now.
Our thoughts and our prayers are with you!!!
jim