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[handplane]

This morning--from a cave somewhere in Pakistan--Taliban Minister of Migration,

Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.

It's getting ugly.

[tg1911]

"Father", he says," Forgive me for I have sinned. The other day I saw me

wife bent over the freezer an' I was overcome with lust, I was, Father, an'

I had me evil and wicked way with her then an' there, I did, Father."

"This was your own wife you are talking about is it my son?", asks the Priest.

"Aye Father, it was."

"Well then, my son, you have not committed any sin at all", replies the priest

"Are ye sure, Father?"

"Of course I'm sure. You are allowed to give way to your carnal desires with your own wife", the priest reassures him.

"So, I'll still get into heaven then?", asks the man.

"Yes, of course you will", says the priest.

"An' I'll still be allowed into Church?", asks the man.

"Of course. You will be most welcome", replies the priest.

"Oh. Thank goodness", says the man, " 'cos I don't think they'll let me in

Wal-Mart again!"

[cowsgonemadd3]

"The other old man says, "I don't know. If I were you, I'd try petting him first."" LOL good one TG!

[handplane]

For all the boys and girls who grew up in the country.

> Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

> They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated

> it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the

> winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was

> sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined

> that one day he would push that outhouse into the

> creek.

> One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so

> the little boy decided today was the day to push the

> outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and

> started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into

> the creek and floated away.

> That night his dad told him they were going to the

> woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking,

> the little boy asked why.

> The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the

> creek today. It was you, wasn't it,son?"

> The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and

> said, "Dad, I read in school today that George

> Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get

> into trouble because he told the truth." The dad

> replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't

> in that cherry tree.

[cowsgonemadd3]

I liked that one too!

[tg1911]

Boudreaux's twenty-one-year-old daughter tell her parents she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, they go to the drugstore to buy apregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting,

cursing, crying, Boudreaux says, "Who was the pig that did this to

you ? I want to know!

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari

stops in front of the Boudreaux's house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with Boudreaux, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on

the man's shoulder and tells him, "Den' you try agin'!"

[handplane]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the

passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like

it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to

hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman

enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me

for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time

with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,

big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried

on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which

one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new

shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each

outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a

pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one

wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me

because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know

how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's

fine,

honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the

excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is

all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't

feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for

awhile.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man

enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,

"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy

you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[cowsgonemadd3]

No wait you did this or is this a story? I am lol to hard.....to think..did you really say this!

[tg1911]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"

letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us

is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,

since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any

snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,

ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of

Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he

had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that

envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the 'Hell' you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

[tenmm]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"

letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us

is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,

since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any

snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,

ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of

Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he

had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that

envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the 'Hell' you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

I can date a letter like this back to Vietnam,is still funny thou.

[JSKY]

THE MAYONNAISE JAR &THE COFFEE

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front

of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and

empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then

asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the

jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas

between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was

full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of

course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar

was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and

poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty

space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now, " said the professor, as the laughter subsided. "I want you to

recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the

important things -- your God, your family, your children, your health,

your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was

lost only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are

the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The

sand is everything else -- the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, " he continued, "there is no room

for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend

all of your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room

for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that

are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get

medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take

care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your

priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee

represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to

show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room

for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

[WiredMonkey]

Thanks JSKY - that was pretty cool. I'll be passing that one on to a few people (some coffee drinkers )...

[mikex]

One Friday at school the teacher said she was going to give extra credit for all those who answer on question.

What part of you body goes to Heaven first.

Lil' Johnny threw his hand up first. Well the teacher knew Lil' Johnny, and didn't want to push her luck.

Teacher: Anyone know the answer to this?

Lil' Johnny: Oh I do!!!!!

Just then Kim raised her hand.

Teacher: Kim, What part of your body goes to Heaven first?

Kim: Your Brain. Your Brain is smart, it knows where Heaven is,

Teacher: Good, you get extra points. Anyone else?

Lil' Johnny: Oh I do!!!!! I do!!!!!

Cole raises his hand.

Teacher: Cole

Cole: It's your heart, your heart knows love and love will get you to Heaven.

Teacher: Good, you get extra points. Anyone else? Anyone?

With no other option she calls on Lil'Johnny.

Lil' Johnny: Teacher it your feet!

Teacher thinking How bad could this be she asks him to explain.

Lil'Johnny: Well you see last night I heard my mom screaming. I peeked into her room. There she was,her feet in the air, screaming Oh Lord Jesus Christ I'm Comming,I'm Comming now Lord. And you know if it weren't for the damn neighbor laying on top of her, I believe she would have made it.

[handplane]

I should be so lucky!!!!!

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking

beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady (Debbie Johnson) from across the street was so

outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung."

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from

my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this

nosey neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

[cowsgonemadd3]

Did you really do this?

[robroy]

Nice ones

JD

[handplane]

For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not

enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup,

poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I have found the real reason: I'm overworked. Here's why...

The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the

work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the government,

leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces busy liberating the opressed and

keeping us safe. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for the state

and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving

1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two

people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Nice..... real nice..... !!

[tg1911]

A recent study was made, to find out what days, men prefer to have sex:

It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T"

Tuesday

Thursday

Thanksgiving

Today

Tomorrow

Thaturday & Thunday

[robroy]

For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not

enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup,

poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I have found the real reason: I'm overworked. Here's why...

The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the

work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the government,

leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces busy liberating the opressed and

keeping us safe. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for the state

and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving

1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two

people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Nice..... real nice..... !!

and you were sitting there writing it so no one was at work

JD

[tenmm]

For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not

enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup,

poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I have found the real reason: I'm overworked. Here's why...

The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the

work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the government,

leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces busy liberating the opressed and

keeping us safe. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for the state

and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving

1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two

people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Nice..... real nice..... !!

and you were sitting there writing it so no one was at work

JD

Crap no wonnder the US owes so much money to the rest of the world.

[macmarauder]

A recent study was made, to find out what days, men prefer to have sex:

It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T"

Tuesday

Thursday

Thanksgiving

Today

Tomorrow

Thaturday & Thunday

I always thought it was any day that ended in day. At least that's the way I perfer it.

Monday

Tuesday

Wendsday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Fisbinday

hay how did this thread degrade to this anyway.

If you don't know than just blame me, because it's usually my fault anyways.

[robroy]

MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR THIS SATURDAY,

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any other woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So this Saturday at 4 p.m., eastern time, all American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wives and to show support for all American women.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your Anti-Taliban sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God Bless America,

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.

JD

[tg1911]

A cowboy was herding cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW

advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit,

Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the

cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your heard, will

you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully

grazing heard and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his

AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS

satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he the feeds to

another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The

young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an

image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been

processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an

ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He

uploads all of his data via an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes,

receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his

hi-tech, miniturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He

watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young

man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your

business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then agrees.

"You're a Democrat consultant" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though

nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question

I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business. Now...give me back

my dog."

[bozodog]

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

[cowsgonemadd3]

ok..........lol funny advertising