tg1911
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Posts posted by tg1911
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Wishing you the best of luck, JeffroTa.
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:lol:
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:lol:
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:lol:
Good ones, marty.
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6 is definitely an "OUCH!".
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Here's a good resource for anything video:
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A lonely woman, aged 80, decided that it was time to get married
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN
AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened
the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look
at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed
intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said:
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one
that will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
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Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Thibodeaux.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as
he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the
bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he
landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
painful.
Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid
as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and
Clotile staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at
the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it
could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the
downstairs mirror.
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Cloudy, some wind, nothing serious.
Typical summer day.
Didn't even get enough rain to register in the gage.
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I just heard that there are 370,000 customers in SE LA without electricity.
I imagine handplane is one of them.
No estimates yet, as to when power will be restored.
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Yo have to host it on a photo hosting site like Photobucket, ImageShack, etc, ...
I use Photobucket.
It's free to sign up.
Here's the link:
Here's how to host your picture:
After you log in to Photobucket, there should be a screen that says "Add Pictures".
Click the "Browse" button.
Then navigate to the picture on your harddrive, that you want to add, click it, then click "Open".
Then click the "Submit" button.
Your picture will begin uploading to Photobucket.
When it's through, your picture will be displayed on the page, with different ways to display it (Url, Tag, Img) on different sites.
If you want to submit more than one picture at a time, use the "Submit Multiple Pictures" box.
Click the arrow, and chose anywhere from 1-19.
Then, as I explained above, browse to each picture and click it, then click "Open".
Once you've selected all you want, Click "Submit"
Just pick the one you want to use, right click it, and select "copy",
Select where you want to put it, right click, and select "paste".
Url - Use this to post a clickable link to your picture.
Tag - Use this to put an image in a web page, if you have one.
Img - This will put the actual picture into your post.
I hope this helps some.
If you have any questions, just ask.
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When you come back hopefully safe and sound, I would like to know why some people don't evacuate when things look this bad!!!
They're IDIOTS, plain and simple.
No big mystery.
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Barb,
I don't think I'll have too much to worry about.
I'm farther west than handplane.
Probably just get some wind, and a lot of rain.
handplane's the one I'm worried about, he's a lot closer to it.
I imagine he'll be without power for a while, at least.
Just have to wait, and see.
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Take care handplane, this thing is packing huricane force winds 100+ miles from the center.
We're just now starting to get some of the showers, from the outer bands.
Nothing serious.
Good luck buddy.
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marty,
You have to host the image you want to use on Photobucket, or a similar site.
Once you do that, copy the link with the Img tag, and paste it into your post here.
That will show the image in your post.
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Thanks for the link, MtnPictures.
Nice.
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:lol:
Joke#3
in The Comedy Club
Posted