bozodog

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  6. Bill Gates And The B0rg

    in Open Chat

    Posted

    The Borg versus Microsoft

    "Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

    Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

    Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

    Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

    Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"

    Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

    Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

    Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

    Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

    Fifteen minutes later . . .

    Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

    Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

    Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

    Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

    Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

    Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

    Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"

    Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

    Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

    Two hours pass . . .

    Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

    Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

    Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"

    Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

    Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

    Picard "Identify."

    Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

    Over the speakers:

    "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

    Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

    Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

    Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

    Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

    Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"

    Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

    Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."

    Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

    Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."

    Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

    Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"

    _________________

  7. Jokes Forum Post Your Jokes Here!

    in Open Chat

    Posted

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

  8. Dear John Letter For Bill...

    in On The Web

    Posted

    Dear Microsoft Windows,

    In retrospect, this letter should be of no surprise to you. For years now I have stood by you despite the terrible things people have said. We have always managed to work through our serious problems but too many things have been swept under the table. I do not think I can stand (idly) by you any longer.

    What's that? No, another service pack will not help, not this time.

    I remember when we met, a warm April day, in 1992. For years I had been hearing about you, about your graphical user interface, innovations, and problems in the courtroom... I had seen you here and there, but it was not until that fateful day, April 6, that our relationship became serious. Though you had changed with the times, never like this. I was almost knocked off my feet when I first saw you. Right then I knew it, you had to be mine. Who else could offer me what you could? I wanted, no, I needed, your TrueType font support, your video playback capability, your color screen savers...

    As time progressed so did my needs. Our affair took its next serious step on August 24, 1995. At the time I thought our happiness would never end. You brought me places I never thought possible. How could I refuse your Plug-and-Play cabability or your TCP/IP stack? I mean, you gave up your best friend, DOS, so our relationship could progress unhindered. It hurts me to look back at us, two starry-eyed lovers wanting nothing more than each other's company.

    Then it almost all came tumbling down. June 25, 1998. What were you thinking? Were you thinking at all? You changed, like in 1995, but not like I thought you would. Still clinging to your DOS kernel, like a small, lost child clutching its teddy bear. Where was the OS I had learned to love? You feebly proffered USB support, DVD playback, and a Quick Launch toolbar, but you were beginning to mix with a bad crowd. With that invasive Internet Explorer. I knew about what happened... You let him access your Explorer. I thought that was something special between us.

    Though we had a bit of a falling out afterwards, my love was rekindled after February 17th, 2000. You were once again new- Professional- just like I thought you could one day be. I knew you were once again stable, not like back in 1998, and that you were the only OS for me. I remembered what had drawn me you you in the first place- ease of use, speed, your stunning looks, your compatibility. I remember saying, "I hope things never change because I love you the way you are."

    I thought that what we had meant something- your transformation in 2000 seemed to cement that. I know now that I was wrong. By Sept 17 you tried to change for the Millennium. I saw right through you- trying to settle down and fit in better with the 'home-user'. Did you think I would love you more because of a few cosmetic changes? I was not impressed with the full-color icons, fancy skins, or your new media player. I thought what we had was deeper than that. Luckily you gave me a choicer, I did not have to choose the new you, the old version would be fine. I know you meant well but you just shouldn't have done that, especially with the '1998' episode so fresh in my mind.

    By October 25, 2001 more changes had come. Everyone told be how great the new you would be. I got so tired of hearing about how up to date, easy to work with, and slick looking you had become. That was all I could take. You changed so much that I didn't even know you any more. I really dug some of your new features but the old you, the you from 2000, could have done all this. So why did you have to change at all? I didn't want to upgrade you or make you into something you were not.

    Well, like I wrote, I have reached my limit. Its going to take more than an automatic update to fix our relationship. I just don't feel like I know you anymore. For example, do you know what I found on the computer a few days ago? Spyware! I wonder who let that in...

    Windows, I know you will try to change, but I have been hurt too many times. You should know that I have been seeing someone else for a few months now. She is fun, easy going, and will do something for me that you never even considered, share her source code.

    I don't know what else to say- we had a good run, but now its over. Pack up your Media Player, your browser, hell, take Minesweeper if you have to. I am sure see each other from time to time but I know one thing, I'll never again have to depend on you.

    Yours no longer,

  14. Color On Monitor Fades

    in Windows 10, 8, 7, Vista, and XP

    Posted

    this could be caused by the video card/settings or the monitor itself.

    Monitor test

    Ok, the test was just great. Thanx for that resource.

    Ok, I now notice the problem lies in the "skins" of apps I use, like Ice chat and Mozilla. My pictures, desktop and web sites I visit are fine.

    I am gonna d/l new GFX driver tomorrow, since I notice they have been updated just 2 weeks ago.

    BTW, I have not installed SP2 yet and don't intend to for a while yet.

    Thanx so much for all your help. I will post back after the new drivers are on-board.

  21. Jokes Forum Post Your Jokes Here!

    in Open Chat

    Posted

    > Three Certainities in Life

    >

    > The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

    >

    > "May I help you?" she asked.

    >

    > "I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

    >

    > "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you w ould prefer someone else," said the madam.

    >

    > "No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

    >

    > Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

    >

    > The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

    >

    > Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

    >

    > The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

    >

    > "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

    >

    > The man replied, "South Carolina."

    >

    > "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

    >

    > "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

    >

    > The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

    >

    > 1. Death

    > 2. Taxes

    > 3. Being screwed by a lawyer.