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There's no egg in eggplant nor

ham in hamburger; neither apple

nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented

in England or French fries in

France. Sweetmeats are candies

while sweetbreads, which aren't

sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But

if we explore its paradoxes, we

find that quicksand can work

slowly, boxing rings are square,

and a guinea pig is neither from

Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but

fingers don't fing, grocers don't

groce and hammers don't ham ? If

the plural of tooth is teeth, why

isn't the plural of booth, beeth ?

One goose, two geese. So one

moose, two meese? One index,

two indices.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,

what does a humanitarian eat ?

Sometimes I think all the English

speakers should be committed to

an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite

at a play and play at a recital ?

Ship by truck and send cargo by

ship ? Have noses that run and feet

that smell ? Park on driveways and

drive on parkways ?

How can a slim chance and a fat

chance be the same, while a wise

man and a wise guy are opposites ?

How can overlook and oversee be

opposites, while quite a lot and

quite a few are alike ? How can the

weather be hot as hell on one day

and cold as hell another ?

You have to marvel at the unique

lunacy of a language in which your

house can burn up as it burns

down, in which you fill in a form

by filling it out, and in which an

alarm clock goes off by going on.

People, not computers invented

English, and it reflects the

creativity of the human race

(which, of course, is not a race at

all).

That is why, when the stars are

out, they are visible, but when the

lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch,

I start it, but when I wind up this

essay, I end it !

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