The Besttechie Cafe'

[macmarauder]

congrats thesidekitcat for getting back on the horse, i mean step stool thingy. sorry i wasn't there or i would've caught you. i do make a very good butt cusion for falling people.

yeah remember that i've been a repressed nerd my whole life so it's very difficult for me. and as if dealling with my own life problems as of late i've been dealing with my friends problems and the wedding. a big storm just showed up out of no where's as i'm typing this but i'll be back on afterwards to fill you guys in on the drama which i am so not used to. by for now guys.

[thesidekickcat]

Mac are you ok? I saw on the news tonight about a really bad twister taking out some buildings in or around Colorado Springs...isn't that where you are? I hope your place wasn't affected.

We have been having some thunderstorms since Sunday late afternoon, with heavy showers, and the low is just sitting off the coast spinning the storms on in, so will be offline and unplugged when they are predicted to hit our area. Woke up to a real nasty midwinter type cloudburst this morning, couldn't even see the house next door 10 feet away through the downpour. Scared the cat so bad she threw up, plus she has been scared of the lightening each day/night too. Poor little old kitty cat. These storms are bad enough for people, but sure are hard on the animals.

I hope you are ok Mac.

No time to proof read this, sorry.

Pat

God bless everyone

[Makai]

We're having nasty weather tonight too. Too early for 90's around here. Never too early for tornadoes though.

[bozodog]

I really need a hot fudge sundae.......

[macmarauder]

(makes bozodog a tall hot fudge sundae)

(hands it to bozodog)

first of all yeah the storm was a bit scary for a bit. it went from a drizzles to a ragging pouring storm within seconds. a friend of mine from the other forum (river) lives up north and it was really bad there for a little bit

anyways, where oh where do i start? i guess i could describe the friends situation since i didn't talk too much about that before. well i've got 7 local friends, had most of them since junior high school but they've almost all paired off now. everyone but Dan and myself. (Pat $ Sara) (Erissa & Ryan) (Rich & Rosa) then Dan and myself. Rich and Dan are twins and used to be inseparable and Rich Dan and I were best friends. that is until Rosa showed up. now Rich spends 6 days a week spending his free time with her and we used to hang out every weekend but now..... we never see him and when she first showed up we had things like trips planned for weeks and when i showed up to pick them up Rich would say that he promised to do things with Rosa instead. well that routine went on for a few months like that and i dislike her so much that i won't hang out when she's around so i got all anti social and stopped hanging out with him. Rosa gets on everyone else's nerves and they now avoid her and since she hangs on him (literally most of the time) and he is never without her, the rest of my friends don't see him either. well as little as possible. Rosa is a very very leachy person. she crawls onto you, bits, and holds on for dear life as she sucks you dry.

Erissa & Ryan are now getting married this saturday so the last couple of months things have been even more hecktic that usual. they have very little money and they're paying for the wedding themselves so all of us are chipping in to do what we can for the wedding. Rosa talked her mother into doing the wedding cake so she has to be around the women in my group sometimes. and of course women go crazy around wedding time so. FREAKEND WOMEN GO COMPLETELY MAD AROUND WEDDINGS!!!

now i've got a case of Mr. Nice Guy syndrome, i'm the guy that is nice and great and all but always ends up in the Friend Zone with women. so i'm the 1 that the women are coming to when they're mad at each other and crying and what not. except for Rosa of course. so i've been going back and forth trying to smooth things out as best i can. AND THEN!! Pat and Sara have never had a fully happy relationship. she has a good job, house, and pays almost all the bills. Pat still has the same job that he did in high school. they are very different people and he doesn't give her nearly enough emotional or other supports and she isn't happy at all. she can say "i love you" and if he says it back it's minutes later. things between them have just kept getting worse. she thinks that it's become a relationship more of a convenience because she doesn't want to be alone and she doesn't want to hurt him especially since he really has no where's else to go. so i keep talking to her, sometimes to explain why what he's thinking or why he does certain things as a guy. most of the time we just chat or joke around and just have fun. for some reason i get alone better with her than anyone else i've ever met. which brings me to the really tough part for me. i've got a huge crush on Sara. she's fat and very tall but inside she's the most beautiful person i've seen. i feel obligated as Pats friend to help keep them together but i wish that she would just leave Pat and try with me. but i don't want my advice to be affected by that. and since i've been an anti social nerd my whole life i never dealt with any of this kinda drama in school like most people did. and 1 of the big reasons that i don't want to even think of trying something with her and why i think that she is better off with out me anyways. i'm worried that i will hurt her and i'd rather not be with her than hurt her.

and i'm finally getting to the point where i think that i can move on from Ashley dyeing. BTW i know that i never told you guys much about what happened with Ashley, and i'm sorry. i should have said more to my online friends about what was bothering me so much and instead i just worried you guys. i kept getting emails from alot of you offering support but i didn't say anything and i'm sorry for that. anyways i knew her along time and she was my friend for about 10 years. she died 3 years ago from last November. btw that's why i hate my birthday so much and i tend to take off around my birthday. (Nov. 7) she was more than just my friend, she was also the only woman that's ever loved me. according to my therapist i tried to never deal with it and i held it all in all this time. that is until i had that nervous break down. which is why i stopped posting and ran away from everything. i forget how long it's been since then but it feels almost like it's been a year since i've been the second old me, even online here.

now for the sad part that i've been avoiding telling you guys for a long long time and it's gona probably make dome of your cry. so if you don't want to know turn your head away now.

when Ashley died it felt like a huge part of my guts were ripped out. i described it as feeling like a zombie with his gut sliced open, and the bits falling out, i feel the pain of it but don't care, i should be dead but i just keep stumbling about, in search of what can fill me to make me whole again and take away the pain. that's exactly how i've felt for a long time now. i don't know how to explain it any better that. i was never much of a happy person before but this was just so bad and you try so hard to just ignore but it's like a migraine, you just can't. i get really depressed and felt so worthless that..... things got so bad that i ..... became suicidal. i even tried going to several suicide help places on the net but most of them were no help and when i found a really good forum i read several of the other stories on there and then i felt so selfish for feeling so bad. sorry to add to your tears but i did almost attempt several times and i tried a couple of things. i went online and looked up alot of ways and btw it amazed me at the amount of resources there are on the net for this especially all the myths.

BTW if anybody is thinking about the whole overdose thing (the most popular and well known way) as being and easy painless way to go. most of the time it's the exact opposite. it depends on the drug but most people think that if you just take too much of almost any drug you'll just fall asleep and go peacefully. well that's a myth and i talked to a several people who have lived through it and it can be very very horrible.

with the exception of Ashley i was never comfortable enough or trusting enough with people so i always dealt with stuff myself, on my own. so i haven't told anyone but 1 local friend and a couple of online friends like hitest. i've seen online how extremely people react at this kinda news and it scares the hell out of me. i'm also afraid of loosing them, my friends & family aren't the best they are all that i've got. so i haven't told my parents or my other local friends. the 1 local friend that i told didn't take it that seriously. which is kinda what i wanted, a little test. i have recently for the last couple of months been going to therapy on my own. i had to put it on my credit card but it has been worth it so far. honestly i am still suicidal but i don't think of it nearly as much anymore and i'm learning how to deal with it. the feelings may never leave me fully but i might be able to deal with them. i have had to change alot on the inside but the old me wouldn't have survived and the constantly growing new me might. it just seamed that death was so much easier and that may be true but it might not. so i've had to find reasons to live and i have found a some.

well there it is. it's alot to digest i know, but this is my life. this is for the most part what i've been hiding from you guys and why i've been so different and acting strange and freaking out at weird things.

ohhh and btw you guys don't have to say anything. i know that when people read this they are gona have no clue of what to say but feel like they should. you don't have to at all.

[Makai]

Mac. I had a big crush on a beautiful blonde cheerleader when I was 14 and she was 16. She was helping me through algebra at the time, and also giving me incredile street cred at the time because she thought I was cool. She was decapitated in a car train wreck the year she should have graduated. My best buddy that lived across the street from me got killed when he was 19. These things happen. I still think about them alot. I'll always carry them with me. But this is how life is, and you just have to deal with it the best you can, and be glad you find more friends along the way. You're in good hands here.

edit for usual typos

Edited May 26, 2006 by Makai

[hitest]

(makes bozodog a tall hot fudge sundae)

(hands it to bozodog)

first of all yeah the storm was a bit scary for a bit. it went from a drizzles to a ragging pouring storm within seconds. a friend of mine from the other forum (river) lives up north and it was really bad there for a little bit

anyways, where oh where do i start? i guess i could describe the friends situation since i didn't talk too much about that before. well i've got 7 local friends, had most of them since junior high school but they've almost all paired off now. everyone but Dan and myself. (Pat $ Sara) (Erissa & Ryan) (Rich & Rosa) then Dan and myself. Rich and Dan are twins and used to be inseparable and Rich Dan and I were best friends. that is until Rosa showed up. now Rich spends 6 days a week spending his free time with her and we used to hang out every weekend but now..... we never see him and when she first showed up we had things like trips planned for weeks and when i showed up to pick them up Rich would say that he promised to do things with Rosa instead. well that routine went on for a few months like that and i dislike her so much that i won't hang out when she's around so i got all anti social and stopped hanging out with him. Rosa gets on everyone else's nerves and they now avoid her and since she hangs on him (literally most of the time) and he is never without her, the rest of my friends don't see him either. well as little as possible. Rosa is a very very leachy person. she crawls onto you, bits, and holds on for dear life as she sucks you dry.

Erissa & Ryan are now getting married this saturday so the last couple of months things have been even more hecktic that usual. they have very little money and they're paying for the wedding themselves so all of us are chipping in to do what we can for the wedding. Rosa talked her mother into doing the wedding cake so she has to be around the women in my group sometimes. and of course women go crazy around wedding time so. FREAKEND WOMEN GO COMPLETELY MAD AROUND WEDDINGS!!!

now i've got a case of Mr. Nice Guy syndrome, i'm the guy that is nice and great and all but always ends up in the Friend Zone with women. so i'm the 1 that the women are coming to when they're mad at each other and crying and what not. except for Rosa of course. so i've been going back and forth trying to smooth things out as best i can. AND THEN!! Pat and Sara have never had a fully happy relationship. she has a good job, house, and pays almost all the bills. Pat still has the same job that he did in high school. they are very different people and he doesn't give her nearly enough emotional or other supports and she isn't happy at all. she can say "i love you" and if he says it back it's minutes later. things between them have just kept getting worse. she thinks that it's become a relationship more of a convenience because she doesn't want to be alone and she doesn't want to hurt him especially since he really has no where's else to go. so i keep talking to her, sometimes to explain why what he's thinking or why he does certain things as a guy. most of the time we just chat or joke around and just have fun. for some reason i get alone better with her than anyone else i've ever met. which brings me to the really tough part for me. i've got a huge crush on Sara. she's fat and very tall but inside she's the most beautiful person i've seen. i feel obligated as Pats friend to help keep them together but i wish that she would just leave Pat and try with me. but i don't want my advice to be affected by that. and since i've been an anti social nerd my whole life i never dealt with any of this kinda drama in school like most people did. and 1 of the big reasons that i don't want to even think of trying something with her and why i think that she is better off with out me anyways. i'm worried that i will hurt her and i'd rather not be with her than hurt her.

and i'm finally getting to the point where i think that i can move on from Ashley dyeing. BTW i know that i never told you guys much about what happened with Ashley, and i'm sorry. i should have said more to my online friends about what was bothering me so much and instead i just worried you guys. i kept getting emails from alot of you offering support but i didn't say anything and i'm sorry for that. anyways i knew her along time and she was my friend for about 10 years. she died 3 years ago from last November. btw that's why i hate my birthday so much and i tend to take off around my birthday. (Nov. 7) she was more than just my friend, she was also the only woman that's ever loved me. according to my therapist i tried to never deal with it and i held it all in all this time. that is until i had that nervous break down. which is why i stopped posting and ran away from everything. i forget how long it's been since then but it feels almost like it's been a year since i've been the second old me, even online here.

now for the sad part that i've been avoiding telling you guys for a long long time and it's gona probably make dome of your cry. so if you don't want to know turn your head away now.

when Ashley died it felt like a huge part of my guts were ripped out. i described it as feeling like a zombie with his gut sliced open, and the bits falling out, i feel the pain of it but don't care, i should be dead but i just keep stumbling about, in search of what can fill me to make me whole again and take away the pain. that's exactly how i've felt for a long time now. i don't know how to explain it any better that. i was never much of a happy person before but this was just so bad and you try so hard to just ignore but it's like a migraine, you just can't. i get really depressed and felt so worthless that..... things got so bad that i ..... became suicidal. i even tried going to several suicide help places on the net but most of them were no help and when i found a really good forum i read several of the other stories on there and then i felt so selfish for feeling so bad. sorry to add to your tears but i did almost attempt several times and i tried a couple of things. i went online and looked up alot of ways and btw it amazed me at the amount of resources there are on the net for this especially all the myths.

BTW if anybody is thinking about the whole overdose thing (the most popular and well known way) as being and easy painless way to go. most of the time it's the exact opposite. it depends on the drug but most people think that if you just take too much of almost any drug you'll just fall asleep and go peacefully. well that's a myth and i talked to a several people who have lived through it and it can be very very horrible.

with the exception of Ashley i was never comfortable enough or trusting enough with people so i always dealt with stuff myself, on my own. so i haven't told anyone but 1 local friend and a couple of online friends like hitest. i've seen online how extremely people react at this kinda news and it scares the hell out of me. i'm also afraid of loosing them, my friends & family aren't the best they are all that i've got. so i haven't told my parents or my other local friends. the 1 local friend that i told didn't take it that seriously. which is kinda what i wanted, a little test. i have recently for the last couple of months been going to therapy on my own. i had to put it on my credit card but it has been worth it so far. honestly i am still suicidal but i don't think of it nearly as much anymore and i'm learning how to deal with it. the feelings may never leave me fully but i might be able to deal with them. i have had to change alot on the inside but the old me wouldn't have survived and the constantly growing new me might. it just seamed that death was so much easier and that may be true but it might not. so i've had to find reasons to live and i have found a some.

well there it is. it's alot to digest i know, but this is my life. this is for the most part what i've been hiding from you guys and why i've been so different and acting strange and freaking out at weird things.

ohhh and btw you guys don't have to say anything. i know that when people read this they are gona have no clue of what to say but feel like they should. you don't have to at all.

[TheTerrorist_75]

Mac I can feel your pain dealing with the loss of Ashley. I lost my S.O. 17 years ago when she committed suicide. For several years I walked around with a dead heart. The anguish I felt was unbearable and it seemed as though only the drugs and booze kept me alive. I too had many friends from school who had married or hooked up and never came around anymore. I had a few failed relationships and pretty much stayed a loner. My work and partying was the only thing I would concentrate on. With Rene I felt alive, but we had our problems. When she became depressed over the loss of two brothers and a sister she decided to end it just before Halloween. I came close to self destructing myself. I had no one to talk to and share my feelings about her. I finally made a decision to take on jobs out of state where I made new friends and ended up in a few new relationships. Gradually I became whole again and started to enjoy life. I realized that I can survive being alone and still enjoy life. Many forums have become my home and I enjoy conversing with the friends that I make at them. It seems easier to let out my feelings online than in the real world. When October rolls around I still have thoughts of Rene and feel saddened, but life goes on. The best medicine is to become active again and find something new to accomplish. Get involved in a interesting project that places you in contact with many new people. Somewhere there is someone just waiting for you to come along. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen.

[blim]

Macmarauder, I don't have much time to post because Daughter will be getting out of bed soon, and she'll want the idiot box (it's her day off today)

But I want to thank you for sharing!

Ah, friends, relationships, ugh. I sure know what you mean when folks start pairing up--sure changes the group dynamics, doesn't it?

And with Sara--whether or not you "fancy" her, if Pat is treating her like a jerk, you shouldn't have to feel loyal to Pat--feel loyal to the behavior, and if it isn't right, either tell Pat he's going to lose her, or tell Sara to give it up! From what I've read, Pat is going to end up using her and breaking her heart--he sounds a LOT like Daughter's ex. No one should be treated badly by their significant other!

Daughter recently broke with Boyfriend and he is a jerk--only problem--if "MOM" says he's a jerk, that just pushes kids closer together, so I've had to bite my tongue for 2 1/2 years and pray they didn't marry. Fortunately, Kate's friends were the ones who helped her open her eyes. Boyfriend is setting things up for them to get back together and so far, Kate's friends have formed sort of a force shield around her!

And I'm so glad you're still with us! It sounds like you've read all you need to about suicide, yes, every form is messy and your loved ones end up suffering. You're too unselfish to put your family and friends through something so awful. DO keep up with the therapy, though, to keep those thoughts at bay. Things WILL get better!

Love,

Liz

[bozodog]

Awww, Mac. Just when I thought I needed a hug, you need an even bigger one. And a root beer float with a cherry on top.

Honestly darlin', you're still so very young and have so much life to live and heart to share with someone. So keep on doing what you're doing. And please remember.............

Yesterday's gone, and tomorrow don't count. Do your best everyday.

ATTITUDE

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today."? So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

"H-M-M, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."? So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.

[macmarauder]

thanks you guys very much for the comments. yeah it took alot of courage out of me to make that post, and a lot of time too. it took me a long time just to push the post button and and hour to write. and i'm really sorry that i haven't posted since then. i've even been worried that some of you would be made at me or be scared off by it. and i'm really really sorry if anyone here is hurt by what i posted. the last thing i ever to do is hurt anyone here and i know that considering how much some of you care about me, that the idea that i've tried and failed suicide, hurts. and i'm really really sorry. that's a large part of why i keep avoiding and pushing people away. i've sort of don't want people to care cause i know exactly how it feels to loose someone you love and i don't want to put anyone else through that. that's also part of why i haven't even tried to date anyone for along time. the only reason i went out with that last woman was because she asked me and i panicked and didn't know how to say no. and remember when it comes to it, i always take care of others first.

well the wedding is over, it was last saturday. almost nothing went right the first try or on time. but we got through it. and it worked out in the end, Erissa was happy and Ryan was happy because he jsut wanted her to be happy. so we pulled it off, a wedding for only about $3,000. the wind at the park was a huge pain in the butt though but it settled down when it was time to eat. so it was good enough. i got a bit depressed towards the end but Sara and i chatted and that cheered me up. BTW yes blim i fancy her but she's loyal to Pat and it doesn't seem right for me to get inbetween them and with how messed up i am... i'll just keep my mouth shut and keep doing what i've been doing. i know that i can talk to her more easily than anyone else i've ever met and we've become good friends and i'm afraid that if i ever tell her what's really been going on with me that it'll scare her off. so not only would i loose any chance of being with her but i'd loose a friend too.

ok lets see here, what else do i want to say right now. i don't know what more i can say right now except that you guys are and always will be my online family. well i gota run right now.

[thesidekickcat]

Hello Mac, so good to see you!!!

First I am sorry for not responding to your previous posts, but have been going through some flashback problems recently which have even spilled out on the boards....again....unfortunately! Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over it enough to not ovrerreact. Sigh Sigh Sigh!!! So having done that yet again, see why I have told you things take a long long time to process and deal with, and I am so glad you are getting expert help through therapy for your problems. Have had some counseling myself, and many one on one talks with others dealing with same thing as I went through. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but as far as I know only time will lessen the degree of pain, and in time you will learn hopefully good coping methods to deal with the remnants of your issues. Your therapist is a great starting place to learn those good coping methods. Can you get a sliding scale fee based on income or lack thereof from the therapist? Also perhaps your parents can do some joint sessions with you and therapist to iron out the various problems between you all, and to let them know how bad you hurt about so many things but in a safe setting??? Something to think about and perhaps talk to your therapist about.

I for one am Not mad at you! In fact I am so glad you had the courage to open up and tell us more of what has been hurting you so badly. I have been worried so much about you, suspecting that you were succidal, oh my I hate that thought so much I can't even spell it right, anyhow have been praying that you wouldn't do anything that drastic and then worrying when you didn't post here that you might have done it. Am so glad you decided to go for professional help. Now please just continue with the therapist, money is hard to come by but your life is worth paying for help to get well again. Just like if you had some disease or injury requiring a Dr to treat it, so a person's mind is just as important or more so because how you think affects your physical health too.

Mac, I understand things as only someone who has gone through some form of hell on earth miseries can. Yes running, hiding, even succide attempts....been there done all that. None of it works. Nor do the other options of people I know who tried alcohol or drugs, or worse. Facing up to and dealing with it each time something triggers old pain, is only way I know to survive and overcome.

As for Sara becoming something more than a friend, let it happen on it's own while you get well yourself but continuing to be her friend. I can't tell you how much it means to me that hubby was my friend first seeing me through the nasty mess of my divorce and picking up the pieces of me that were strung all over a couple of states...long story. I think the best love is the kind that grows from friendship first.

You mentioned that you were scared even to tell people online who care about you that things were that bad for you, but we care about you...in the good times and in the bad. That is what family and friends are for...to love each other no matter what. And we love you Mac!!! Of course we want you to be healed and happy but if it helps to talk about how you feel we are here for that too. So continue to know we care, don't forget it in some dark moment of life... and please don't leave us Mac!!!

Gotta go to the bathroom, so sending this as is mostly unedited.

If anyone is curious, here it is.

Pat

God bless everyone

[blim]

Hugs and chocolate all around! (extra hugs for Macmarauder and extra chocolate for Bozodog and Pat--chocolate's a girl thing )

Still playing in the garden. Bah, I ran out of manure today. Need to make a trip back to Sister's house for more. She gives me s**t and I gladly accept it, I even bring my own shovel!

Pat, how's your clematis doing? Mine survived the winter--probably won't bloom....again! Methinks I need to move it to a sunnier spot. I'm just glad it's green. I rescued a "Dead Rhodie" from the city compost pile last week (why would someone dump a Rhododendron??) put it in my "magic spot" in the yard, and I'm happy to say that it is starting to show a teeny green leaf! Wonder what color it will be? Funny, I killed a store bought Rhodie and an azalea, yet the *now two* rescued Rhodies and the rescued azalea are growing. Must be like critters--the rescued ones make the best pets

We have a Robins nest in the Shadblow tree next to the house--I had the ladder up to trim the tree and discovered it--need I say the tree won't get trimmed for a while! Sure has been fun watching it. No babies yet. I panic everytime I look at the nest and see it without the momma--but she comes back to it *knocks wood*

The kids are down at Lake Michigan for the first bonfire of the year....makes me jealous!

Liz

[hitest]

macmarauder,

You don't need to worry about how we are going to react to your posts. We all love you and miss you when you're gone.

You can always count on me my friend! You have helped me through dark moments in my life. Together we are stronger:-) Stay well, buddy:-).

Talk to you soon.

your friend,

hitest

[JSKY]

macmarauder. We all are your friends here. And we all. Each and everyone, will stand by you and hold you anytime for comfort and support. Do not feel ashamed. You do have friends here and many other places that will always be ready to give you a helping hand, or a shoulder to lean on anytime you need it.

You are a true friend indeed. And we will stand by you, no matter what.

[thesidekickcat]

Chocolates do sound like a good idea Liz, thanks!

As for my clematis...don't know if it will bloom or not. Checked it for buds this morning, didn't see any. And it is growing so slowly. Densely packed but not climbing up the deck trellis as high as usual. We've had quite a bit of heavy showers and cool weather, plus last few days have been warmer but so humid at least for here. So far my tomatoes have survived and have even started showing some new growth and a blossom or two, even though they sure didn't look good during the worst of the downpour days. Lost one of my zucchini plants, luckily I had planted three just in case after last years bad variety.

I lost one multi-year struggling nearly purple color Rhodie that I could never find a place for it to be happy, and late cold snap finally finished it off this spring. So may transplant an old fashioned humongous blue blossom hydrangea from rental house to the spot Rhodie was in. I have the same luck with both store bought and neighbor gifted azaleas. Never could get them to grow here. But used to have several of them when I lived up in Puget Sound part of Washington. One place I lived up there had a deep purple flowered Rhodie that was nearly three stories tall in front and about 20 feet wide, right in front of my living room window in my second floor apt. Absolutely gorgeous! Had a huge maple tree in front of my bedroom window so had a front row seat to nesting birds and squirrels. Plus the shaded north light was just right for my elephant ear begonia to trail all over my bedroom wall. Never have had any luck with them anywhere else. Growing plants indoors or out is always interesting.

Oh before I forget, remember that clematis likes cool feet! plant a fern or something at it's base to help protect it from heat in summer or cold in winter. I also have driftwood strategically placed around mine to keep hubby from chopping to close to it when he weeds. He never will figure out the good plants from the weeds, except for roses I thinkkkkkk he finally has that one except if a himallaya (sp?) blackberry gets started from bird droppings...then the rose had better be tougher than hubby!!! The neighbor lady still thinks there's hope that he wont take out her old fashioned hollyhocks on alley side of her back fence. Hubby mows along the sides and the middle too of the alley behind rental, and ours too. She told me he nodded in understanding when she told him he gave them a 'crew cut" once this year, I said he just nodded because he has been told similar stuff before! She says he wouldn't get mow them again because he wants her to keep on making deserts for him...hmmmm! Why didn't I think of bribery before?

Supper time so have to get busy pretty quick!

Love to everyone.

Edited for spelling check that I forgot to do.

Pat

God bless everyone.

Edited June 4, 2006 by thesidekickcat

[macmarauder]

thank you guys for saying that you'll be there for me. i really appreciate it, it means alot to me.

well i've been really busy as of late. Dan decided that he is finally gona do a Luke Skywalker costume for holloween. he's always wanted to but he wanted to have a replica light saber to go with it. so since they cost like $150 +++ even on eBay i am attempting to make 1. we looked up the list of parts for the original and how they made it but even that gets pretty expensive and he found a couple of instructions for making 1 using stuff from hardware stores. but several of the parts don't exist any more or people don't know what your talking about so we spent alot of time running from store to store and looking for what we need. a couple of things i've made from scratch and the original light saber has this curved contour cut into the end of the barrel that is very hard to get just right. i got it on the first try but i had to take my time and it was really hard to match it to the pictures in his official encyclopedia book.

and then i keep having days like Wednesday. first thing in the morning Sara calls cause she got a flat tire at work and was crying. the tire wasn't really the reason but it was the trigger. between problems with Pat, moving to the new house, problems with the new house, and relatives she broke out crying. ohhh and she didn't even have a spare tire and couldn't call pat for help since he still doesn't have a car or even a drivers license. so i had to calm her down and fix her car and talk to her about pat.

and then i had to run around with dan at OEM looking for something cool looking for the Emitter part of the lightsaber cause that's the 1 thing that he wants to change from the original. OEM is a store for really old used electronics and electronics parts. it's the kind of place that if you ever wanted to make and old looking scifi movie that you'd get alot from. which is exactly why i should never go there unless i've got all day to spend, or a week in some to spend sometimes. there's so many danm things to fascinate me countless hours. "i don't know what this is or what it does but i must have it!!!!" i have yet to go there and not buy something strange looking.

and then i had to some how muster the energy to go out on a hike/date with Fatma. that went really well by the way. i can just goof off and talk to her for hours and i did just fine on the hike but i'm no athlete of any kinda by any means. but she's not right for me, i get no feeling from her at all and sometimes she's so different and a way that annoys me a little. anyways i already know who i want and i'm just doing this to get over my fear of dating. which makes me feel a little bad like i'm just using her but so far i'm ok with it as long as we don't have sex. which i dought would ever happen anyways.

and theeeennnn! after going back to dans house and finally attaching a part that took forever to find rich calls and he was at rosa house again and some how hit the curb and got a flat and since his dad wasn't home yet and he didn't know how to change a flat tire i went off to the rescue. we talked a bit afterwards and gave him some advice for telling every one that he still wants them as friends even though he's been spending all his time with rosa and they don't like to be around her so he in turn gets avoided since you couldn't pry rosa away from rich with n extra large crowbar. and now rosa has even squeezed her way into another part of richs life. dan and rich started a train model together and dan has tried but can't stand to be around rosa for very long so he's stopped working on the train since she now has to be there so that she can share the space with rich. so dan and i talked to rich about her staying out of at least that small part of things.

well that's what things have been like for me lately. i remember in high school nope of my group went through this kinda stuff and in my study hall class i would over hear about this kinda stuff. and it was always something different every day. and now i'm in the middle of all this drama crap and i'm trying to help everyone and yet i've got my own problems to deal with. but it's kinda nice cause then i can concentrate on theirs and ignore my own for a while.

(jk) ""well that's the local news, this macmarauder signing off form the emotionally disturbed front lines. good night and good posting.""

[robroy]

Hey Mac, hang in there, things can happen to turn your life around. At 18 I lost my fiancee in a car crash and was down and depresses for several years, but eventually I met someone else. It happened when I least expected. So don't despair, life has to go on and something good could be right around the next corner

Good luck and look up not down

[hitest]

I'd like to echo the wisdom of robroy:-) Hang in there, macmarauder! Remember, we are always here for you. It is good to see you, my man! Stay well, my friend!

The light saber project sounds very cool! I love Star Wars and own all of the movies:-) What can I say, I'm a total nerd:-)

[bozodog]

Wow! Mac. Sounds like you are a regular "knight in shinning armor" Helping out so many people. The light saber sounds like a fun project. Just how are they made? I thought it was all film trickery. I've seen them and they are awful pricey for a toy.

Do you know of any groups that buy sell trade star trek and star wars stuff? I have some I'd like to get rid of.

[blim]

Good grief, Macmarauder, just reading your post makes me pooped! One nice thing about "High School Drama" at your age, is that you have the wisdom of a few years!

Pat, reading your post about Hubby and the lawn mower---exactly why I have strategically placed tomato cages. Not just for tomatoes!! And once they get rusty, the leaves even camoflauge them Of course, explaining to Hubby that I leave my cages up all winter so they'll rust makes his brow wrinkle. Method to the madness, right?

Going to be a busy week so I might be only lurking and reading. The "nut" gets sprung from the BigHouse (the nursing home) on Monday and a Sister and her family are arriving from Florida on Monday. Haven't seen her for a couple years and they has a year old baby boy that I haven't seen yet, so I hope we get a visit in--but, it's HER vacation and the first time her Hubby's been to Michigan, so they need to do what they want to do. And of course, our 80 degree weather is gone for the week. I warned her to bring sweatshirts and coats, I hope she did!

Liz

[macmarauder]

sorry about another really long post. i got a little carried away again.

thanks again guys. i love you guys and you are my online family. it's been 3 years from November since ashley died and for a long long time i barried it way down deep and it ate me alive while i tried to hide from the worl. not much of streach for me to hide from the worl but i've slowly fallen apart and even more slowly built myself together into a new form. 1 funny thing that most peopl don't believe is that i really am an anti social nerd and that before ashley died i never joked aroun. i only had a tiny sense of humor and i never used it. but then i reached out online and used other people laughter to help myself feel better.

yeah i'm a regular knight in shinning armor blim. what sucks is that i'm always like this, busy saving everyone else and talking care of everyone else.

yeah your right blim. my posts have become pretty draining just to read. it takes me a long time jsut to write them and i keep trying to write as much as i can from the heart. that post where i finally let it out that i used to be suicidal when i was at my darkest pint in my life, that took like 3 hours or something just to write and then a long time just to force myself to click the post button. so it must be bit drainging just for you guys to read, i'm sorry about that and i know that you guys are already saying that you don't care about that, and they you care and just want me to keep posting anyway i can.

i just want to clarify something cause i've been asked to in an email and i might aswell do it here too. no i'm not suicidal anymore, at least for now. i make no garentees for the future. sorry i figured that saying it that way was the most honest way that i could think of. another person asked if i just thought about it or did i actual do something. yes i made a few attempts, the last 1 was quite a while ago but i tried cutting my wrists but i only got half way through 1 before it became to much to bear emotionally. although i still have a nasty looking scar on my right wrist that stops just in front of a vein. and yeah it has been over 3 years and yes most people would be over it. for me it was devastating partly because i have, according to my therapist, a form of borederline personality dissorder that deals with neglect. you guys already know that i didn't have much of a childhood but basically.....

and this is not an excuse and i take full responsibiliy for myself. but i had a father that was a workaholic that the only time i saw him was when i didn't do really good in school and a mother that plomped infront of the tv and ignored me except for when she got involved at my school and would embaress me and force me to do well in school. she wants me to take Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. so much fun huh? lol

[blim]

You ARE a knight in shining armor, Macmarauder. Read this

The Old Phone

YOU are Information Please and more important than you'll ever realize!

As with Sara, YES, you should open her eyes to how Pat is treating her and let her know that she could do so much better. Just today, I had a conversation with Daughter about her ex. She said she wished her girlfriends had told her exactly what a jerk and user he was! Of course, I knew he was a jerk, but couldn't say anything. When that stuff comes from Momma, it just pushes them closer together and I spent 2 years biting my tongue. Kids don't listen to parents on these matters, but they do listen to friends!

Yesterday a Sister had a bonfire/hot dog roast and I was able to visit with her, my Folks and Sis-from-Florida and her family. Her little guy said "doggie" for the very first time while he was on my lap Nice visit. Son drove (Hubby works third shift, so I would have to be home by 9pm if I drove) and he bought me a butter pecan ice cream cone on the way home. Been a couple years since I had one of those (I'm the only only one who likes butter pecan in my family, so I don't buy it) Heavenly!

Today I had an actual ME day....well, meaning I didn't have a gazillion errands and I didn't leave the house. Caught up on housework, boy, the house got neglected and it looks much better (still gotta do windows, but waiting for pollen season to finish). Actually had a conversation with BOTH kids at DIFFERENT TIMES, that didn't start out with, "tell me about your day in 5 minutes or less".

Today was nice.

Liz

[TheTerrorist_75]

I need a glass of iced tea or lemonade and maybe some of that butter pecan ice cream. It is starting to get warm again. I hope you Michiganites can stall that 93+ degree temps from arriving here. My dog is usually driving me nuts to go outside, but today he is content in laying on the living room floor.

[bozodog]

It's hotter n hades here today. We need a rip snortin' T-boomer to cool things down. I sure don't with this heat on anybody.