irregularjoe Posted May 31, 2006 Report Share Posted May 31, 2006 (edited) "Cat Haiku" You never feed me.Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.That will sure show you.You *must* scratch me there!Yes, above my tail!Behold, elevator butt.The rule for today:Touch my tail, I shred your hand.New rule tomorrow.Grace personified.I leap into the window.I meant to do that.Blur of motion, then --Silence, me, a paper bag.What is so funny?You're always typing.Well, let's see you ignore mysitting on your hands.My small cardboard box.You cannot see me if ICan just hide my head.Terrible battle.I fought for hours. Come and see!What's a 'term paper?'Small brave carnivoresKill pine cones and mosquitoesFear vacuum cleaner.I want to be closeto you. Can I fit my headinside your armpit?Wanna go outside.Oh, crap! Help! I got outside!Let me back inside!Oh no! Big Onehas been trapped by newspaper!Cat to the rescue!Humans are so strange.Mine lies still in bed, then screams.My claws are not that sharp.Cats meow out of angst"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!We could break so much!"The Big Ones snore nowEvery room is dark and coldTime for "Cup Hockey."In deep sleep hear soundCat vomit hair ball somewhereWill find in morning.We're almost equalsI purr to show I love you.Want to smell my butt?The cat is not allBad - she fills the litter boxWith Tootsie Rolls."Dog Haiku" I love my master;Thus I perfume myself withThis long-rotten squirrel.I lie belly-upIn the sunshine, happier thanYou ever will be Today I sniffedMany dog butts - I celebrateBy kissing your face.I sound the alarm!Paperboy - come to kill us all -Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!I sound the alarm!Mailman Fiend - come to kill us all -Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!I sound the alarm!Meter reader - come to kill all -Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!I sound the alarm!Garbage man - come to kill all -Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!I sound the alarm!Neighbor's cat - come to kill all!Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!I lift my leg andWiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -Sniff this and weep.How do I love thee?The ways are numberless asMy hairs on the rug.My human is home!I am so ecstatic I haveMade a puddle.I hate my choke chain -Look, world, they strangle me! AckAck Ack Ack Ack Ack!Sleeping here, my chinOn your foot - no greater bliss - well,Maybe catching cats.Look in my eyes andDeny it. No human couldLove you as much I do.Dig under fence - why?Because it's there. Because it'sThere. Because it's there.I am your best friend,Now, always, and especiallyWhen you are eating.You may call them fleas,But they are far more - I callThem a vocation.My owners' mood isRomantic - I lie near theirFeet. I blow a big one. Edited May 31, 2006 by irregularjoe Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TheTerrorist_75 Posted May 31, 2006 Report Share Posted May 31, 2006 Cat in heat haikuI feel strange sensations.I squall all night.Get the hell off me!Dog late night haikuI hear the human snore.Wake up! Wake up! I forgot to go pee! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
JDoors Posted May 31, 2006 Report Share Posted May 31, 2006 HILARIOUS. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
irregularjoe Posted June 1, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 I like them! I copied and printed! Thanks much irregularjoe.YW Quote Link to post Share on other sites
irregularjoe Posted June 1, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 Cat in heat haikuI feel strange sensations.I squall all night.Get the hell off me!Dog late night haikuI hear the human snore.Wake up! Wake up! I forgot to go pee! Terrific! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blim Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 Son's girlfriend's cat adopted him and we have a dog--had him read this and he's still laughing ten minutes later (me too)! Copy, paste, email and thanks, Joe and Terrorist!*we need one about dog and skunk, dog and car rides, dog and bath*Liz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TheTerrorist_75 Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 Such a strange cat.I must challenge.Damn dog, you stink!The room is moving.I feel funny.Damn dog, not on my seats!Such a weird pond.This water stings my eyes.Damn dog, get back in the tub! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blim Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 Such a strange cat.I must challenge.Damn dog, you stink!You nailed it, Terrorist! Sandydog got sprayed 5 years ago--chases every cat EXCEPT black and white ones--those she either ignores or hides from....I'm not about to tell her those are harmless kitties, nuh-uhLiz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TheTerrorist_75 Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 I took my mutt out on his leash because he was going berserk. As he dragged me around the corner I saw my favorite skunk that holed up under my crawl space. The dog came to a fast stop and froze as did the skunk. They stood stock still with their noses about four inches apart. That lasted about one minute then the skunk conceded and ran back under the house. I was so happy that the dog didn't attack and the skunk didn't spray. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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