Oldies ... But Goodies ...

[JDoors]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a

masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in

because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy

daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16

years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened.

You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes work," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears work," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a bricklayer?"

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---Engineer's recipe for chocolate-chip cookies:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten

2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite

4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated

protein

9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Directions:

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an

overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr,

add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In

a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller

operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and

seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add

ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the

homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient

nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be

taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature

rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extruder attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the

mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a

460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank

& Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55),

or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place

the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product

to come to thermal equilibrium.

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In Hebronics: Questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?"

Hebronics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle."

These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebronics:

English: "He walks slowly"

Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks."

English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"

Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay"

Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."

Hebronics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen."

Hebronics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?"

Hebronics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called."

Hebronics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "Let's not go skiing"

Hebronics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?

------

"I think that if I were a truck driver, I would fill my

trailer with helium balloons and drive around looking for

one of those police truck inspections, just to see the look

on their faces when they put THAT baby on the scales."

-- Paul Wiley

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One man bought a sign and put it on his office door. The sign read:

"I'm the boss." The next day he came to work he noticed that someone

had put a post-it on his sign that said, "Your wife called. She wants

her sign back."

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IQ Test

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of

brushing one's teeth, he expresses himself to the shopkeeper

and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how

should he express himself? Scroll down for the answer...

He simply says, "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

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Mary had a little skirt

Split right up the sides,

And every time she wore that skirt

The boys could see her thighs.

She also had another skirt

Split right up the front,

But she never wore that one

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One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the to the class

of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me

who the most famous man who ever lived was."

An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St.

Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss,

it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish,

that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please,

Miss, it was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here,

and I'll give you your $2."

As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know,

Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus

Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it

was Moses, but business is business."

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IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called managers.

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A mother of a vivacious five-year-old just returned from a meeting of

the National Organization for Women. Stirred by exciting dreams for

the possibilities of womanhood, she asked her daughter what she wanted

to be when she grew up. Little Lisa quickly answered, "A nurse."

There was a time when nursing was thought of as a woman's profession

and the answer somehow seemed not to satisfy. She had, after all, just

returned from a NOW conference.

"You can be anything you want to be," she reminded her daughter. "You

can be a lawyer, a surgeon, a banker, president of the country -- you

can be anything."

"Anything?" Lisa asked.

"Anything!" her mother smiled.

"I know," Lisa said. "I want to be a horse!"

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... if only I could post the naughtier ones ...

[blim]

Well, most were new to me! Thanks, Jdoors!

Liz Shmiz

[jamaicaman]

i dont get the duck one

but the rest were great

Edited May 30, 2006 by jamaicaman