Oil Change

[tman70]

OIL CHANGE

Oil Change Instructions for Women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last oil change.

2) Drink cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00

________________________________________________________________________________

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OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up and then spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kids pedal car.

6) In frustration open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use a crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from underneath car to wipe hot oil from arms and face. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up ; crawl under car and hammer screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old filter in trash in trash can to avoid enviromental penalties. Drink another beer.

17) Buddy shows up; Finish case of beer with him.

18) Sunday: skip church because "i gotta finish the oil change". Drag full pan of cold oil from under car. Cleverly dump oil in old hole in back yard instead of taking it back to auto parts store to recycle it.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11. buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter Making sure to apply thin coat of oil to gasket.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug from drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in hole in back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to ceverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid enviromental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover first quart of oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter in eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drian plug and bang knuckles against frame.

32) Bang head on floor board in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for an additional 10 minutes because wrench hits bowling trophy.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over and charged with DUI.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hrs. later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT:

Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound Fee $75.00

Bail $1500

Beer $40.00

Total $4165.00

But you know the job was done right!!!

Send this to women who need a good laugh.

To men you think can handle it.

Edited May 1, 2006 by tman70

[blim]

Oh, that's a good one, Tman, thanks!

Liz

[TheTerrorist_75]

Oil Change Instructions for Women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last oil change.

2) Drink cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

4) Leave Jiffy Lube to go shopping at the mall thirty miles away.

5) Halfway there notice the car is getting sluggish and overheating slightly.

6) Pull into mall and spend $150 on odds and ends (There were great sales).

7) While putting bags in the trunk notice a black line along the asphalt leading to the car. Think nothing of it.

8) While driving back home really notice the car is chugging and steaming.

9) Two miles from home the car starts making this rapping noise. Keep driving.

10) Just pull in driveway and the car quits with steam gushing out from the hood.

11) Tell husband you got the oil changed but the car seems to be overheating.

12) Husband opens hood and checks radiator and fills it with water. Tries to start car but it won't turn over.

13) Check oil and see there is none.

14) Looks under car to see oil all over filter and oil pan.

15) Discovers oil filter has two gaskets and oil plug stripped.

16) Starts cussing, calls local garage to come tow vehicle, calls cab to take him to bar.

17) Gets drunk.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Shopping $150.00

Cab to bar and back $15.00

Drunk $50.00

New engine $6500.00

Total $6736.00

True story. Husband sued Jiffy Lube. Lawyer fees and settlement were the same.

Edited May 1, 2006 by TheTerrorist_75

[Bubba Bob]

There ya go TT. Spread the truth, not the sexist lies and slander that tman70 is spreading

Really though, the Jiffy Lube folks look like they're still in high school

Of course, that comes in handy when you need someone to pass your car for the state inspection

Edited May 1, 2006 by Bubba Bob

[TheTerrorist_75]

The one we had here was shutdown after several lawsuits. I know of two engines replaced due to their incompetence. The only person that has ever turned the wrenches on my vehicles is me.

[xxkbxx]

My service shop, actually a trustable place, is going out of business because the state is deciding to build a 8 lane bridge in, which needs an 8 lane road, wiping out the station.

I dread ever going to Jiffy Lube (some people I go to high school with work there!)

[JDoors]

OIL CHANGE ...

The only item missing from the men's list (it could go in there at several points) is getting rust in your eyes while under the car, having to stop to get the flecks of metal out of your eye, then having to continue with your eyes teared up so you can't see what you're doing.

Um, I'm hesitant to admit this now, but I've been using Jiffy Lube for almost ten years. I'm just plain ol' tuckered out from that long list of B.S. we have to go through to get the job done. Fifteen minutes, write a check, it's done. Plus they fill fluids, check things I'd likely skip, fill the tires, change bulbs, etc. That's MORE work I no longer wish to do.

Do I watch that oil pressure needle when I pull away? You bet, but I'd do that if I changed the oil.

[TheTerrorist_75]

OIL CHANGE ...

The only item missing from the men's list (it could go in there at several points) is getting rust in your eyes while under the car, having to stop to get the flecks of metal out of your eye, then having to continue with your eyes teared up so you can't see what you're doing.

Um, I'm hesitant to admit this now, but I've been using Jiffy Lube for almost ten years. I'm just plain ol' tuckered out from that long list of B.S. we have to go through to get the job done. Fifteen minutes, write a check, it's done. Plus they fill fluids, check things I'd likely skip, fill the tires, change bulbs, etc. That's MORE work I no longer wish to do.

Do I watch that oil pressure needle when I pull away? You bet, but I'd do that if I changed the oil.

I have done many repairs for customers due to them not paying attention to the guages. 80% female / 20% male.

[JDoors]

... not paying attention to the guages. ...

Which I don't understand as they finally got it right and have a light come on when any guage is out of the proper operating range, essentially telling you "Look at the darned guages fool!"

How do you miss the guage, AND the light telling you to LOOK at the guage?

[xxkbxx]

... not paying attention to the guages. ...

Which I don't understand as they finally got it right and have a light come on when any guage is out of the proper operating range, essentially telling you "Look at the darned guages fool!"

How do you miss the guage, AND the light telling you to LOOK at the guage?

When you drive a classy automobile such as mine (cough, 11 year old Chevy Blazer) you assume that the guages are off - espeically when I've had "full tank of gas" - and I filled 14.5 gallons in my 15 gallon tank! (I just fill up when I hit 200+ miles)

[Bubba Bob]

... and when you drive a classy car like mine, you don't even have an oil pressure gauge.

and I filled 14.5 gallons in my 15 gallon tank! (I just fill up when I hit 200+ miles)

Ouch. That's gotta hurt you at the pump.

Edited May 3, 2006 by Bubba Bob

[tman70]

... and when you drive a classy car like mine, you don't even have an oil pressure gauge.

and I filled 14.5 gallons in my 15 gallon tank! (I just fill up when I hit 200+ miles)

Ouch. That's gotta hurt you at the pump.

OH WELL, Bubba Bob. How I can relate...

My van is 16 yrs old and gas gauge stuck on full also. When I fill up at 350 miles I can actually go about 365-370 miles. When my son fills it up I never know how far I can go.

I pull into Mapco at the front door to get a coke. I was going to fill up the next day when my check came in because I was only at 325 miles.

I come out and van will not start. I think engine has got problems. I call tow truck and tell them exactly where I am at and the color of my van. Then later watch as the driver comes down street and makes a left turn to come into the station, but keeps going down the street and circles the block and goes back where he came from, never seeing me standing there waving.

I finally think that maybe I could be out of gas regardless of what mileage says.

Nobody has a gas can so I have to buy a one gallon can ( two setting at home in garage) to put enough gas in to get it started and then back up to pumps to put in more.

Kinda funny to run out of gas at the front door of a gas station and can't reach the pumps.

Tow truck driver left me a mean message for not calling and telling him the van was fixed and moved before he got there.

I told him to get new glasses because everyone else saw me waving at him.

Looking on the bright side:

$17.50 for gas can and gas vs $65.00 for tow truck.

[TheTerrorist_75]

Solution for gas guage stuck at full or never going past half > clean the ground where the wire attaches to the tank or replace the float. Either method requires loosening the gas tank straps and lowering it. Best done with near empty tank.

[JDoors]

Working on the tank reminded me of a barely related story.

When I was a new mechanic I accidentally punctured a gas line. Gas was spraying all over the shop floor, and I was scared out of my wits. The "old man" of the shop (sheesh, time flies, now I'd be the old man) walked over to survey the damage, casually dropped his ever-present cigarette on the floor just inches from the puddled gasoline, and stepped on it to put it out.

I thought I was dead for sure.

Edited May 5, 2006 by JDoors

[Honda_Boy]

MY oil change. Go to NAPA. Spend $20 on a Gallon of Mobil One (my brother's employee discount, I even get it when he isn't there) and then $5 on a filter. End of spending. then I go through the regular stuff.

Good stuff though.