You Know You Drive A Ford Escort If...

[Bubba Bob]

YOu Know YOu Drive a Ford Escort If....

(Courtesy Of the members of the FEOA.net Forums)

You just installed your next ignition switch

your windshield wipers hit eachother....

the switch on the rear defroster wont stay on,....

the breaklight comes on when you accelerate!!

when every screw and bolt is a different size or missing...

U drive over a speed bump and ur back hatch flys open...

its on jackstands more than its own tires....

every time u get in it something else is wrong.....

When the check coolant light goes on and off as it pleases.

-When your "Service Engine Soon" light means "Everything's OK"

if your auto seatbelts have ever failed to retract, at least until your head is in the way

all that's on your mind is weither or not you should part it out or keep fixing it.

you are on the side of the highway head under the car at least once a week.

When you have to duck under the seat belt to get in and out because track is jammed again.

Pop spilled all over carpet and radio because of crappy cup holders.

When you say to yourself "if the engine or trans goes i'll dump the car" and you've driven another 50k miles and replaced or fixed everything but the engine and trans

when damn near everything on your car can be removed by 'squeezeing the tabs and sliding it out"

when installation is "push until it clicks into place"

when no matter how hard you push, it never clicks and no matter how hard to squeeze it doesn't slide out

when you never drive with the gas tank full to improve your acceleration...

when you add 3 gauges to the car not to make it cool but to monitor the engine for potential failures...

when your American made car, was made in Mexico.

When you take some things apart you know what screws,bolts,nuts you don't to put back in because you know it's coming back apart again any ways.

-it takes you a whole weekedn of removing the dash to replace a 15 dollar part

When you carry a Haynes/ Chiltons/ Factory Service manual in the trunk in case you or someone else needs to fix/ modify something in a hurry.

You know you're an escort owner when noises, squeeks and rattles are just part of the character of the car.

When your dashboard looks like an arial view of the grand canyon.

When your cupholder is the space between the E-brake handle and passenger seat.

you shop home depot for parts

- you got drywall screws holding front speakers

- when your key opens almost every other 91-00 ford (!)

When your automatic seatbelt tries to murder you when you turn the key to Acc. while leaning in through the drivers window.

When you go to innocently turn on the rear defroster and the button falls into the dashboard. And you're too lazy to put it back so you snake your finger into the dashboard to turn it on and off....

road noise is so loud you almost have to shout to your passengers so they can hear you.

you consider the boneyard to be your first choice for replacement parts.

everything ALMOST fits inside!

When ppl ask for the year of your car and your reply is 95,96 and 94

when yur riding down the highway and try to roll up yur window and the rubber seals ar shot and the glass nearly flys out

when yur tryin to do top speed on a straightaway and the whole car shakes and vibrates you so bad you cant see the speedo, but when you do, it only says 74

when yur electric seatbelts make that sound like a train is derailing

When the seatbelts never wind themselves in.

When you know as soon as you hit 80 MPH you'll start rattling the whole damn car, and ask your friend in the passenger seat to hold the glovebox in place.

When you have to remove your cigarette lighter to put a mcdonalds cup in the cupholder!

When you decide where to drive through for lunch based on their cup design and how well it nudges in between the e-brake and pass seat..

When removing the steering column has become as common place and routine as changing your oil..

If your blue book value goes up or down dependling on the level of gas and the amount of spare change in the seats

If your cup holders now store loose bolts and nuts

When passengers jump out of the car at stop lights when they miss-smell the burning oil for fire.

Edited September 4, 2005 by Bubba Bob

[hitest]

Heh-heh, my Mom drove a pinto years ago, some of the Fords are indeed poorly made:-)

Funny stuff.

[Honda_Boy]

You know you drive a J-Body GM (85-87 and also earlier Sunbirds, Cavaliers, Skylarks, etc.) when

most of the crap you have said.

the check engine light means you're goin up a hill

the Pontiac sign gets knocked off by a hose while washin the car (happenin to my 85 fastback and my bro's 86 sedan)

your altenator is so week that with blown a cell in your battery the car won't even run without the jumpers cables still attached (happened earlier today bro was tryin to blow some crap out of my old 85 but the car wouldn't stay on with out being attached to my civic, unhooked the ground and the car started to die)

random parts go missing under the hood and inside the car

you have to remove a giant panel that covers the gauges and everything to work on the radio

it's majorily rusted out (except mine still looks like crap but the best lookin j-body around here you'll find)

replacement GT,SE, and Fastback tail lens are impossible to find

you have a factory turbo and still only have a 130 HP

when you go in reverse the speedometer starts going backwards

when you turn the headlights own the front left amber light won't turn own but still blinks with turn signals

you hold up the hatch with a clothes rod

the speedometer only goes to 85 on a GT car

when the car is worse than an 84-88 Pontiac Fiero 4 banger (v-6 GT's were pretty awesome)

Edited September 5, 2005 by Honda_Boy

[Bubba Bob]

HAHA! Nice Honda_Boy!

Here's some for you.

You Might Be a Ricer if...

* You have more exhaust decibels than your engine has horsepower.

* You have aftermarket FRONT wheels for racing but stock rear wheels.

* Your engine makes twice as much horsepower as torque.

* 17" rims up front, 13" out back on your FWD.

* You ever painted your wheels to match the same color of your car.

* You put your automatic car in neutral at every stoplight in order to roll it back and try to fool other people into thinking you have a manual transmission

* DuPont gave up trying to figure out the shade you were asking for.

* Your mod list includes stereo equipment, shifter handle, MOMO steering wheel, PIA driving lights, exhaust tip, but no REAL engine parts.

* A chameleon lizard undergoes fewer shade changes than your custom paint scheme.

* Your rims and tires are so large, that you have to install the tire / wheel from underneath the car because it simply won't fit in the wheel well going in from the side.

* The dealer laughs when you bring your car back in for service under warranty, and you've only had it 6 months...

* Your tires / rims stick out from the lip of your car by more than 1."

* Your paint job is from the WRONG end of the color spectrum.

* You installed spacers on your STOCK wheels and tires to get them to stick out past the fender.

* You see cars like yours in a Shriner's Parade for Children and clowns are driving them.

* You bring an empty Maxwell House coffee can with you to compare size when you shop for an aftermarket exhaust system.

* Your Eclipse GS-T hardtop has a "SPYDER" emblem on the rear...

* Your sum knowledge of suspension is: "the more negative camber, the better the handling."

* You push your car through the staging lanes. That way, maybe you can break into the 16s by keeping the motor cool between runs.

* You add a super tall rear wing, and a hundred pounds of aftermarket ground effects, neon and stereo yet you gut the interior and yank out the rear seat for weight savings.

* Your rear wing AND your rear window have a third mount brake light...

* The back lighting in the gauges in your A-pillar gauge pod work long before the actual gauges are hooked up.

* You cut 4 coil springs and scrape the chassis on the ground. Sparks are cool when you corner at normal traffic speeds!

* You have to find a way to drive AROUND speed bumps in a parking lot.

* You install clear corner and brake lights.

* You install colored bulbs in your aftermarket clear lenses.

* You ever put neon on the bottom of your car, and then busted it on the first speed bump you went over.

* You painted the UNDERBODY of your car to match

* If your rear spoiler is taller then you are.

* if you can fit fist f*** your exhaust tip

* You have more stereo WATTS than engine TORQUE!

* If your tailpipe extension is the most expensive mod you’ve done to your engine yet.

* Your tailpipe extension fell off during a quarter mile race and you went three tenths of a second faster due to weight savings.

* EVERY car in your class has a turbo pushing double digits worth of boost.

* You spent $5,000 on the engine and you can not out run a stock Camaro, Firebird, or Mustang

* You want the 'wastegate' sound, but don't want to install a turbocharger system.

* You think Nitrous Oxide on your Hyundai Sonata puts you in the same performance league as the Chevy Corvette.

* The automatic version of your car runs 2 seconds slower in the 1/4mile.

* If the 1970 Plymouth Daytona Superbird has a smaller spoiler than your car does.

* You think the Del Sol is a sports car...

* A torque converter does NOTHING for your car.

* You think a deep farty noise = the sound of high performance

* If you think that horsepower is far more important than torque

* If you have ever claimed that switching to a cone filter has given you more than 5 HP.

* If you have ever considered installing more than one set of fog / driving lights.

* If you claim that the aftermarket cold air intake system you just installed doubled your horsepower or took 2 or more seconds off of your E/T.

* Your baseball cap is always on backwards when you drive (the first sign of mental retardation, wearing your clothes backwards... BE).

* You spent all night on the Internet trying to find a company that makes a turbocharger system for your Hyundai...

* If you removed your side view mirrors and put them at the TOP of the door / window frame.

* If you think the Fugees are 'speed' music.

* MOMO is 'absolutely required' to go fast.

* Your four cylinder has a dual exhaust system installed.

* Your four cylinder has four exhaust pipes ("Hey, one for each cylinder!")

* The color of your interior upholstery hurts the cones and rods in other people's eyes.

* If you cannot drive your car in snow as the ground effects create a plow effect.

* If you have installed driving lights to compensate for headlight blackouts / tape.

* If you think that 180 horsepower and 185 lb/ft of torque are impressive for a ‘mildly’ modified engine.

* If you have stickers on your car for parts that you could not point out if asked where those parts are installed.

* You think pushrods are a bad thing…

* Your car has more decals than you do the quarter in seconds.

* Every Honda you EVER owned, all the way back to your 1978 Accord was either a V-Tec or a TYPE-R.

* You took your rear seat out and gutted your interior for weight savings but you installed 400 pounds of electronics, neon, DVD, Sony, etc.

* If you gutted the interior to save weight on a car that you will never take to the track…

* You lean your seat so far back when you are driving, that every time you hit a bump, its your back and not your butt that hurts.

* You have hydraulics and sixteen switches on a car you claim runs low 10s on the street and corners better than a Porsche.

* If you can estimate that your car makes more than 250 HP without ever running it at the track or getting a dyno reading.

* You claim that you can get a titanium block for your engine.

* If you have ever thought Hyundai and "performance" went hand in hand

* If you've ever gone to a parts shop or speed warehouse and asked for a 1" to 6" exhaust adapter...

* If you've ever contemplated adding "TYPE-R" stickers to your Sonata…

* If you've removed more than 1/2 of the coils from your springs by cutting them yourself ...

* If you have more neon lights on your car than a strip club...

* You put Kanji on your Ford ZX2, Ford Probe, or Mercury Cougar ...

* You own a "TYPE-R" Hyundai or Mazda.

* You couldn't afford headlight masking, so you just painted them with flat black Krylon and it's peeling. Badly.

* You claim that polishing your intake gave you 5hp.

* You own a V-TEC Hyundai or Mazda (especially a V-TEC rotary engined Mazda RX-7)

* You have neon INSIDE your car or in your ENGINE compartment

* You ever claimed that high gas mileage made your car superior in performance to V8s.

* If it takes you 8000rpm to reach 30mph from a dead stop at WOT.

* You think yellow plastic interior trim makes your car cool

* You spend $500 for a giant hand welded tube for a muffler with the weld marks extremely visible

* If you paint your drum brakes to simulate Hi-po calipers

* If you install fake hi-po caliper / disc simulators

* You have a front wing.

* If you lower your car and add ground effects but retain the stock 14inch wheels with disc style wheel covers

* If you equate the sound of performance with the sound of a Weed Eaterâ„¢

* If you think bolting a fake muffler to one side to simulate dual exhaust is cool

* If you think colored head lights work better

* Clear tail lights and turn signals. They’re colored for a REASON!

* If you take mom's 4 door Honda accord and do any kind of mod to it

* You drive a Ford Escort station wagon with Kanji, wide tires, and Limp Bizkit stickers on the rear hatch

* You claim you lost the race because you had a passenger in the car.

* You claim how if you went from a roll you would have beat him.

* You claim you lost because you missed a shift... and your car is an automatic.

* You claim you lost because he must have been on the juice..

* Flying past the person who is 10 car lengths in front of you after they have put on their brakes.. and claim a victory.

* after losing you flip your opponent off... rev your motor and fail to break the wheels loose even around a corner.

* Tell everyone about how you lost the cop because of your "driving skills."

* you are a white kid driving an import.. wear baggy pants/hat turned around, walk with a fake limp and end every sentence with "yew know wha I'm sayin? Relate."

* Your idea of aiming a handgun is raising your arm over your head, pointing the gun away from you, and then just letting your wrist fall to the side to where the gun is almost sideways ...

* drive around in a $20,000 import with $10,000 in mods.. and still live with your parents.

* You can relate to every line of the song "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" by the Offspring

* you take offense when I say.. "your sister is like your car.. small, tight and hard to get into."

* You are a skinny, backwards hat wearing, dog chain wallet, 2 ft wide pants leg, Limp Bizkit looking white boy fag with a badly applied peroxide hair color treatment and temporary rub-on tattoos!

Edited for language

Edited September 5, 2005 by Matt

[Honda_Boy]

actually my car is none of that it looks stock

yes i have the stock wheels BUT with the stock covers and not either coverless or Wal-Mart covers i used to have 17 inch Enkei RSE with Kumho Supra Z-Rated tires. they rode like a bread wagon so i sold them to an idiot friend of mine was gonna pt them on a trashed CRX when he "fixes" it he's got a long way

my car has been lowered but that was to compensate for the rims my brother just had to have and that i sold. i kept it that way cause i like the stance.

under the hood i have an APC Mass air no big whoop i looks nice and gives a small performance gain. i have an APC strut tower bar that brother put in for all those twists and turns while racing....... riiiigghhhhtttt

i have performance springs but i don't really care

I have JDM styled Corner lights (solid amber not clear) but they are starting to fog so i'm gonna order the real thing soon something broke on the orignals so i need new ones no matter what kind

i have an APC muffler cheap but the best soundin cheap muffler you'll ever hear. all the rest in my town sound like bee hives. mine has a deep menacing growl and it improves performance a little

as for sound I have a Pioneer Premier 50x4 no amp Pioneer premier 220w 4 ways in the rear and Pyle 180w 2 ways in the front along with the factory acoustic research tweeters and no sub works fine for me. i can blast QueensrŸche just fine from it.

and here's a joke some one said they'd put a potato in my tailpipe and i just laughed and laughed at them

Edited September 5, 2005 by Honda_Boy

[marko_tomas13]

Nice ones guys some of the other car nuts around here should appreciate these as I did.

[Bubba Bob]

I hope you cant fit a tator in your tail pipe

Lets see, my car is lowered about 1/2in in the back due to broken springs.

Ive got a $60 CD player w/ stock speakers that manage to rattle out 30 watts of raw power.

There are a total of 30 screws, nuts and bolts that all fit some where in my dash and between the seats, sitting in my cup holder. I keep a full tool set, plus my haynes manual in the back with the spare tire. (just in case)

I just replcaed the air filter. I think i gained 10 HP. So, thats a 25% increase? I add as much oil as I do gas. Im not sure where it goes. Does oil evaperate?

People think I have child locks on the rear doors because they dont open from the inside.

Speed limits mean nothing. I cant hold em anyway. When behind a big truck, i slwo down more than he does going up hills.

When going highway speeds, passengers ask if i just threw a rod. I tell em no, just sit back and enjoy the massage.

The tach says 3000 RPM at idle, and 0 at 70MPH

Stop-leak is a yearly routine for the A/C unless you want to melt.

But hey, it's paid for

(sadley, these are true)

Edited September 5, 2005 by Bubba Bob

[Honda_Boy]

mine's paid for too only probs i have outta it is the fenderwall (splashguard) on the front left fell out the other day (i knew it was gonna happen but i'm a slacker) the speedometer doesn't work right along with the lights on those crappy custom gauge faces my bro put in. him and his doo-dads. those stupid things are comin out tommorrow. i wonder what's gonna end up on the 97 civic he's tradin his 98 4Runner for. oh yeah, the horn don't work but that is cause the owner before my brother wrecked the poor car 3 times. (that's why the paint on the front of the car is slightly darker , it's newer!!!)

[Bubba Bob]

. i wonder what's gonna end up on the 97 civic he's tradin his 98 4Runner

Wow, from the kettle to the fire

[marko_tomas13]

My 1990 Civic has been acting up like a trobled child on crack lately. But it's been good to me in the past. Doesn't look that old at all.

Edited September 5, 2005 by marko_tomas13

[cherokeechief]

the differance between the men and the boys is the price of their toys,

or in racing the size of the slicks, or

how much hourse power you can get out of the engine.

methonal=2763 hp

nitro= 7000+ hp

any questions

[Honda_Boy]

actually if ya wanna know my name is honda_boy cause i love hondas not because i drive a honda tuner. I take more pride in my home built Sidewinder PC. It's my pride and joy.

[cherokeechief]

actually if ya wanna know my name is honda_boy cause i love hondas not because i drive a honda tuner. I take more pride in my home built Sidewinder PC. It's my pride and joy.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i rode a honda, a honda shadow 1100 ace, til i hit a guardrail.