6 Affairs

[handplane]

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their

passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made

passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00

PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes

outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless

complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my

secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't

wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

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The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful

teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they

always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough,

delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed

into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to

see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her

there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a

stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

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The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the

dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he

examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made

anamazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you

off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has

to be saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's

scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first

person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and

opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

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The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening

the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly

rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't

move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one

for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was

said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the

kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot

at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of

water."

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The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks

for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu

and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a

fried egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this

place?"

The bartender! replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

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The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil

by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her

praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to

move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have

something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, everything's

all right, go to sleep."

"No, no I must die in peace, Becky I slept with your sister, your best

friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

[blim]

Those are great!! (glad Hubby doesn't golf....) Thanks, Handplane!

Liz

[rv56]

Those were great handplane....

Packed those up and sent them out...