Pro Tip: How to make sure ecommerce customers don’t buy from you

Besttechie · July 5, 2017

Yes, you read that title right. Here’s what you need to do to drive customers away from your store forever. If you want to sink your ecommerce store quickly and efficiently, then this is the guide for you. If, however, you want to build a robust e-store that leaves customers satisfied and smiling, do the exact opposite of what we’re about tell you here. So, without further ado, here’s how to make sure ecommerce customers don’t buy from you.

Nix the Guest Check Out

Not everybody wants to create an account on your ecommerce website. How rude of them! If you want to drive away shoppers, you should require them to share their email and personal information with you before they can click ‘check out.’ The more hassle you can put them through, the better.

Did you know that three-quarters of virtual shopping carts are abandoned before the order is completed? One of the main reasons for this is required registration. So, do your part to disenfranchise your customers today!

Forget the Good; Embrace the Bad & the Ugly

Nothing deflates a consumer’s enthusiasm like a poorly designed website. Then again, web users are used to little inconveniences here and there. So, what you must do is create a truly awful website.

If you are wondering how to make an ecommerce website, forget about using convenient plug-and-play platforms. Start from scratch! Use plenty of obnoxious colors, upload product images from your camera phone, and make sure important items like ‘about us’ or contact pages are well hidden. Eventually, even the most resolute shopper will ‘rage quit’ your e-store.

Assume One Size Fits All

People might come in all shapes and sizes, but that doesn’t mean your products have to. Design your clothes for unrealistic body types and only employ models that showcase one body type. You wouldn’t want to display diversity to make your shoppers feel more accepted, would you? Then they might be more likely to buy!

Additionally, you’ll want to remove all sizing guides from your website. If shoppers really want to know the measurements of a product, make them contact you, then have them wait a few days for a response.

Ignore Customer Complaints

Which takes us to our next pro tip: ‘Haters are gonna hate,’ but you don’t have to listen to them. If you receive a customer complaint, take your time before you reply. Get a sandwich and maybe a full night’s sleep. The longer you make them wait, the better. When you do respond, make them feel like it’s their fault with an accusatory tone.

Plenty of brands strive for witty and effective customer service over social media. But that’s too easy. Instead, require customers to track down your email address to get a hold of you. It will drive them insane!

Cut Corners

By now you are probably hemorrhaging income left and right. But you are still a business, so why not try to stay in the black by cutting back the quality of your products? Diminished quality is a wonderful way to distance your most loyal customers and kill any chance of converting one-time buyers into return shoppers. Sure, you might receive some negative feedback; in which case; simply refer to the tip above.

Advertisements, Advertisements Everywhere

Still trying to turn a profit? Why not bring in some third-party advertisers? Litter your pages with banner ads, pop-up ads, floating banners that block everything the user wants to see or even video ads with auto play!

The meager profits you make from hosting these ads won’t be enough to save your sinking business, but it could irk your visitors enough to switch to your competitors.

Confuse Marketing with Spam

Finally, you’ll want to botch your outreach strategy. If you have a mailing list, send dozens of updates each week with outdated coupon codes. Similarly, you’ll want to inundate your social media pages with irrelevant posts so your fans will wonder why they are even following you in the first place.

Pro Tip: Don’t Follow These Tips!

We hope you enjoyed this tongue-in-cheek guide. But seriously, if you want to improve your ecommerce site do your best to ensure a stellar customer experience from first click to check out.

And, whatever you do, don’t do anything you’ve seen here.

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