martymas Posted June 7, 2005 Report Share Posted June 7, 2005 hey take a look at this some emailed to mesmeone sent these in an email.....thought id share, hope they make someoe go ha ha!......... ha ha!================================================== ====SMILEThere once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." CONFESSIONAL An old man walks into a confessional. The following conver- sation ensues: Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times. Priest: Are you sorry for your sins? Man: What sins? Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you? Man: I'm Jewish. Priest: Then why are you telling me all this? Man: I'm telling everybody! BROTHEL TRIP An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "Ninety!" comments the madam. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," said the old man, "how much do I owe you?" CALLER QUESTION The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism." OLD FRED Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away and places it in his jacket pocket. At Fred's funeral and as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all." Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!" BEAUTIFUL A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed b y his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."================================================== === Quote Link to post Share on other sites
echobay Posted June 7, 2005 Report Share Posted June 7, 2005 funny martyOh man, i kinda feel bad for Brothel Trip guy Quote Link to post Share on other sites
martymas Posted June 10, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2005 funny martyOh man, i kinda feel bad for Brothel Trip guy me to i suffer with 2 ''Scost and courage.so for me it is either free or nothing marty Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bar5 Posted June 10, 2005 Report Share Posted June 10, 2005 Marty, those are great. Barb Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blim Posted June 10, 2005 Report Share Posted June 10, 2005 Oh, Marty, I am Roffling here!"Man: I'm Jewish. Priest: Then why are you telling me all this? Man: I'm telling everybody! " Oh, so true, so true! (if you ever want to hear great gossip, ask a Jew!!--and I'm allowed to say that!)Liz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
handplane Posted June 10, 2005 Report Share Posted June 10, 2005 Oh, so true, so true! (if you ever want to hear great gossip, ask a Jew!!--and I'm allowed to say that!)You just did. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blim Posted June 11, 2005 Report Share Posted June 11, 2005 Sholem aleykham, Chaver!Ok, I cheated, I had to look that up.....I have such fond memories of my Grandmother at her kitchen table talking about her "naybahs" Unfortunately, I'm such a Bitzer, as Marty would say, that although I love hearing gossip, I remember it about as long as I remember jokes, about 5 seconds....which I guess in the long run is a good thing She also taught me about the best toe tapping music ever written, great food, great traditions and the ability to laugh at anything slightly amusing--and was quick to say that without Judiasm, there would be no Christians--that "little offshoot" from the Original (she never said Gentiles, she said "offshoots")! People who knew her tell me that I inherited her "quirks" (and boy, did she have them!), which makes me rather proud. Liz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Vile_DR Posted June 13, 2005 Report Share Posted June 13, 2005 FUnny Funny Stuff Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tg1911 Posted June 13, 2005 Report Share Posted June 13, 2005 :lol: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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