13 Things Pms Stands For

[bozodog]

1 Pass My Shotgun

2 Psychotic Mood Shift

3 Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid-Section

5 People Make me Sick

6 Provide Me with Sweets

7 Pardon My Sobbing

8 Pimples May Surface

9 Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh!

...Or men who need a warning.

And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!

[deaf_girl]

Ah, the humor of the weaker sex. I'll play along.

How about ~ Punish My Spouse

[JDoors]

... and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect ...

Oh yeah.

[Chappy]

Pulverize the Male Species

[deaf_girl]

After showing this to a co-worker she told me to post this, which is from the web:

It might keep some of you alive.

A Guide To PMS For Men

Author: Linda M. Sharp

Published on: March 7, 2001

It doesn't matter whether you are a husband, friend, significant other, lover, or acquaintance. If you are a carrier of that lovely Y chromosome, you have, at some point, stood back and pondered (or feared) someone of the X chromosome as they approached their time of the month. And all you have probably gleaned from the experience is the wisdom to stand FARTHER back next time, preferably in another time zone.

My husband and I have been together for over 12 years now. While he is an educated, thoughtful, sensitive fellow, amazingly the only thing he has really defined about my monthly "workings" is that PMS must surely stand for Please Make Sense. Personally after this long I would have expected him to catch on. However, each month still finds him looking like a shell shocked war hero, knowing that he has survived something horrible, but unable to do more than babble. So if this poor "veteran" of mine is still dazed and confused after approximately 144 "bombings", I can only imagine that the rest of you men in the platoon will benefit from this Field Guide To Understanding PMS.

IRRITABILITY: Roughly 7 -10 days prior to the onset of our actual period, a mixture of gunpowder and buckshot is released into our bloodstream, causing us to "shoot our mouths" off at the slightest provocation. It may not seem fair, but your simple request for us to "Pass the ketchup" may lead to your untimely verbal demise. Play it safe and either get it yourself or eat your hamburger plain.

BLOATING: This is a real, physiological phenomenon whereby women suck in all humidity within a 5 mile radius of their bodies. Overnight, our clothes do not fit, we are uncomfortable. Any attempts at reassuring us that "you look fine" make you an easy target (see Irritability).

CRAMPS: Rare is the women who does not experience some degree of discomfort during her period. While the lucky majority may control it with either aspirin, ibuprofen or Margaritas, many women are subjected to such intense sensations that they simply cannot function several days a month. For you to better understand, lie down and place three baseballs down the front of your pants. Now employ a child to walk upon them. Those are mild cramps. To replicate severe cramping using the same baseballs, have an overweight friend perform Lord of the Dance on them.

MOOD SWINGS: Perhaps the most telling reason for my husband's Please Make Sense label, is the monthly fluctuation in a woman's hormone levels. Causing us to swing from caring, angelic devoted Madonnas to crazed, psychopathic B-movie She-devils within the blink of an eye, do not be surprised when we utter something along the lines of, "Rub my back, DON'T TOUCH ME!, I love you, LEAVE ME ALONE!, hold me, YOU IDIOT!", all in the same breath. Best strategy? As you would do when facing a rabid dog, simply back slowly away.

In addition to understanding the above characteristics of PMS, there are several DO's and DON'Ts that will insure you a much safer walk through the "minefield" next month.

DO consult the calendar and learn when to expect the onset of our symptoms. This simple effort will insure you never again make the deadly mistake of asking, "What's wrong?".

DO keep a special supply of both Hershey's Kisses and chocolate chip cookie dough within reach. Much like an angry animal, we may be calmed with treats.

DO NOT play bomb squad. A man's inherent reaction is to "fix" things. I guarantee you will cut the wrong wire and they will find pieces of you five counties away.

DO NOT, even jokingly, use the nicknames we women give to our periods. Aunt Flo, Monthly Visitor, Special Friend . . . off limits to anyone not containing ovaries at birth.

DO NOT attempt to placate a woman by telling her how "miraculous" or "beautiful" is the whole menstrual process. We all learned early on what an inconvenient load of crap it is to leak on a monthly basis.

And finally, for the entire duration of both PMS and period, DO NOT breathe. (Ready to climb back into your foxholes?)

Edited October 17, 2006 by deaf_girl

[JDoors]

... many women are subjected to such intense sensations that they simply cannot function several days a month. For you to better understand, lie down and place three baseballs down the front of your pants. Now employ a child to walk upon them. Those are mild cramps. To replicate severe cramping using the same baseballs, have an overweight friend perform Lord of the Dance on them. ...

OKAY then, that explains a lot. Too much in fact.

[blim]

LOL, Deafgirl! Bringing back rather horrid memories of the pregnancies (which is like PMSsing during a Full Moon...) Oh, poor Hubby. He tried soooo hard to be sympathetic when I was bawling my eyes out for no reason at all (and I'm normally very cheerful!), he would hug me and say,

"it's only the hormones, honey"

Wrong answer, wrong answer, wrong answer!!! There's a real good reason why we stopped at two and it wasn't labor!

Liz

Edited October 19, 2006 by blim

[deaf_girl]

O.K., this ones totally disgusting, but this was said at work last night.

I think this is pretty close to what was said:

If guys menstruated, you know what would happen? They would walk around showing off their shopping carts. 'Oh yeah, well I have jumbo Tampax! Look how much I bleed!' You know, everyone would whoop for menstruation."

[bobbynichols]

O.K., this ones totally disgusting, but this was said at work last night.

I think this is pretty close to what was said:

If guys menstruated, you know what would happen? They would walk around showing off their shopping carts. 'Oh yeah, well I have jumbo Tampax! Look how much I bleed!' You know, everyone would whoop for menstruation."

I enjoyed the distaff comments and thought to do more research and reflect... here's what I found quoted in another forum (unfortunately the comments that followed the post were not exactly family friendly... so I do not link to the forum).

Hopefully this is not political and too far beyond the bounds of this reputable forum...

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"If Men Could Menstruate"

by Gloria Steinam from Ms. VII October 1978

"A white minority of the world has spent centuries conning us into thinking that a white skin makes people superior - even though the only thing it really does is make them more vulnerable to ultraviolet rays and to wrinkles. Male human beings have built whole cultures around the idea that penis-envy is *natural* to women - though having such an unprotected organ might be said to make men vulnerable, and the power to give birth makes womb-envy at least as logical.

In short, the characteristics of the powerful, whatever they may be, are thought to be better than the characteristics of the powerless - and logic has nothing to do with it.

What would happen, for instance, if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?

The answer is clear - menstruation would become an enviable, boastworthy, masculine event.

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood with religious ritual and stag parties.

Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammad Ali’s Rop-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days", and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)

Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("men-struation") as proof that only men could serve in the army ("you have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("can women be aggressive without the steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins?"), or rabbis ("without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean").

Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound each month ("you must give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in the Cycle of Enlightenment.

Street guys would brag ("I’m a three-pad man") or answer praise from a buddy ("Man, you lookin’ good!") by giving five’s and saying, "Yeah, man, I’m on the rag!"

TV shows would treat the subject at length. ("Happy Days": Ritchie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers"!)

Men would convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself - though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.

Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, and measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets - and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefield fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?

Liberal males in every fields would try to be kind: the fact that "these people" have no gift of measuring life or connecting with the universe, the liberals would explain, should be punishment enough.

And how would women be trained to react? One can imagine traditional women agreeing to all these arguments with a staunch and smiling masochism. ("The ERA would force housewives to wound themselves every month": Phyllis Shlafley. "Your husband’s blood is as sacred as that of Jesus - and so sexy too!": Marabel Morgan.) Reformers and Queen Bess would try to imitate men, and pretend to have a monthly cycle. All feminists would explain endlessly that men, too, needed to be liberated from the false idea of Martian aggressiveness, just as women needed to escape to bonds of menses-envy. Radical feminists would add that the oppression of the nonmenstrual was the pattern for all oppressions. ("Vampires were our first freedom fighters!") Cultural feminists would develop a bloodless imagery in art and literature. Socialist feminists would insist that only under capitalism would men be able to monopolize menstrual blood ...

In fact, if men could menstruate, the power justifications could probably go on forever.

If we let them."

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My first impression when I read deaf_girl's comments was the mayhem a sporting event might hold... then of more far reaching global implications. But then if we survived the times leading up to this present day technological era, if men could menstruate, perhaps we as a species would be the wiser. Interesting field for thought.

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Groucho Marx said: "Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!"

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[JDoors]

If Gloria Steinham's activities hadn't had so much of an impact I could read that and laugh (as a simple illustration of an absurdity by using absurd exaggeration). However, she peppered it with commentary on things like projecting penis envy onto men and oppression of, well, everyone else, by white males, things she actually believes, so it ticked me off instead.

(Let it go ... it's just a humor piece ... let it go ... )