Blond Trailer Trash Quotes

[martymas]

when found this the heading

was the thoughts of a

blond trailertrash

redneck.

and after reading them i know why

marty

Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just

nerves?

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,

yahoo!,

I'd have all my money back.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or

pie

heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm,

boy.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the

watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw

skulls

and bones

everywhere. "Uh-oh," he though. "This watering hole is reserved for

skeletons."

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then

gets

right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how

much

glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for

granted.

If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay

it

in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are

looking for

a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him.

And you

know why they

never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the

reader, to

decide.

Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like

Kool-Aid.

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion

or

tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding

on

an elephant, just

trampling and eating everything they see.

I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was

the

meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just

didn't

know how to

show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who

lived in

the big white

house.

"THAT'S MISTER SWENSON," they said. Oh, my mistake.

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't

stop

and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because

that's

probably

the first sign of jungle madness.

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake.

That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we

wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore

he

picked up in town.

Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about

individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a

question, you just push the

button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the

front

of the class.

Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a

master sheet of

names and numbers to see who is assking the question.

Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the

least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.

Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't

laugh

at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of

theose plastic

dry-cleaner bags?

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded

seal,

trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money

for

about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out

west

and start

digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd

say,

"Looking for gold,

ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold." And I'd say, "well, that

was

easy."

Good joke, huh?

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at

them

personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it?

Maybe

Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor---through some kind of

space

warp or

something. "Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that!"

said

the big-guy

general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've

got

to steer that

meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an

idea.

Right next to

him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.

You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But

I'm

telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you

crazy.

I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to

stick

potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow

Vikings and lady

Vikings.

The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms

when I

thought, "What am I doing?!"

What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather.

How

could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest

question, and

I'll try to

give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison

feather?

I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is

anyone

listening to me?!

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called

him

Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd

eat one

of us. Later

on we found out he was a bear.

Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next

minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across

the

road?

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're

an

astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned

into

Dracula. The next

time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door

behind

him and blast

off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you

just

say, "Think

again, bat man."

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people,

but

on both sides.

If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would

be

if you were

sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get

it

unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.

Maybe

it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight,

away

from the

first fight.

If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your

heart

sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.

I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his

Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!" screamed

Grandma. But Grandpa

wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his

arms,

like he

was going to fly. I forget what happened after that.

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like

people to do what I say.

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for

treasure, and

they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they

were

creating.

I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put

me

on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home

planet.

If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization

and

they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this

isn't

really our

civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to

come

back in twenty years to see

our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming

up

with an

impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens

as

they're waving

good-bye.

The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I

bet

you can really see it in those genitals.

If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier

in

the day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to

leave early.

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top

of the

Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese?

They

probably break

down into their various gases before they even hit.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,

because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it

has

that ear monster and that big-dress monster.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to

throw

back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who

hears

me, because I

am beautiful.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a

good

costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and

crossbones on it, because

there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on

and

really scare you.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run

with a

wooden stake.

I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown,

and

how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there,

that

I would get

revenge.

If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of

pudding, you probably

have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the

strength of

that pudding skin.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that

man.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go,

because,

man, they're gone.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says

something

like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe

me?" or

"Do

you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to

town,

we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play,

just

slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his

head

out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.

I think one way police departments could make some money would be to

hold a

yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably

use a

cheap ice

pick.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys,

throw

one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think

of

how crazy war

is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

A quiz: If I am my brother's keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.)

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was

free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending

that

he's throwing

up, is not what I call hospitality.

I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making

the

movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start

yowling

and running

around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would

say,

"Hey, let's put

him in the movie."

If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the

back.

That way, if

somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the

side and

pretend I was

window-shopping or something.

I bet what happend was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on

the

same day.

Then, that night, they burned the wheel.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a

deal.

First of all, if you're a

swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks that much

better

than the one

you've got, so why not mate fo life?

Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or

evolve: something

that stings you, then laughs at you.

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but

he

gets hit on the

head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study

the

brain.

If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always

biting

you on the

ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going to go ahead and

keep

you in the "happy"

category.

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the sutffing or

the

cranberry sauce or

anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it

all

in your lap and form it

into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars

with

the boys, let out

a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy,

these are

good cigars!"

Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch

mice at

all, but to

protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very

large

blob of

potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone

asks

me why I didn't

get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big

piece

of meat from

inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick,

huh?

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit

from a

big rock

half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the

rock

out of the

ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go

skidding down the hill

toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his

wife

beside the

pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out

of

there, but you start

faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and

chases

you...

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night,

with

no other cars

around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out

there? No

cities, no

factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then

who

made this car?

And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the

window into the

driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on

the

head by a bolt.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked

hard

and saved

his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he

felt

it was better

than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and

collect the

gold nuggets

it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years,

the

volcano petered out.

Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he

decided

to collect gold

nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his

leg and

the doctor's

bills were real high.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody

called the

"Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell

everybody, "You

can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just

like

everybody else."

Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him

over to

spend the

night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping

I'd

have to kick him

out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family

run

out of town. Bye,

Cricket Boy.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck,

which you strap

on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a

mommy

duck and

her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out

of

the water and roar

like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is

good

for parties.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money

for

about twenty

years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start

digging for gold.

When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for

gold,

ya durn

fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was

easy."

Good joke, huh.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets

bitten by

a poisonous snake,

tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and

pretend

that *you* got bit by

a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get

help. A

lot of guys

will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them

it

was just a joke.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran

up and

lit the evil

puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to

help

illustrate one of the

human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as

when you

kill

someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is

generosity, as

when you

pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull"

that

Jesse James once

got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like

anything, but then the

bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the

secretary

told him to wait,

so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then

finally he got to

see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that

dull?

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had

any

toys. But this one

little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he

would go around and

whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart

almost broke. Later

the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I

reached

out my hand,

but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He

cried a

little, but

that's the way of these people.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would

be

"Clark Kent,

Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I

thought,

if a patient

said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray

vision and said,

"Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going

to

take an X-ray,

stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw, get outta here," and then he probably

wouldn't

even pay his

bill.

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the

cranberry sauce or

anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it

all

in your lap and form it

into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars

with

the boys, let out

a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy,

these are

good cigars!"

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what

was

coming. "You

don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well,"

said

Coach, "you never

were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of

rags

and towels,

and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then

either steal the

ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people

at

inappropriate

times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought

something is

brewing inside

the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw

talent

that he can mold.

But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

--

Lucy - Manchester, UK

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential

is

invisible to the eye."

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

[blim]

Marty, it's going to take me about 3 days to read all of these, but they are absolutely hysterical!! Some of them sound like the random comments my daughter makes--we live in a house, but she's definitely blonde. Think I'll send her a few of these a day

Thanks,

Liz

[martymas]

Marty, it's going to take me about 3 days to read all of these, but they are absolutely hysterical!!  Some of them sound like the random comments my daughter makes--we live in a house, but she's definitely blonde.    Think I'll send her a few of these a day

Thanks,

Liz

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

hi liz when i read them i thought of a dreaming little school kid

day dreaming

bit i got them from a redneck and blond site .

i got lost half way through

marty

[handplane]

marty,

This has to be the longest posting made on Beattechie!!

[martymas]

yes i didnt realize it until i reread the post

by that time ide sent it

that site has some sick jokes in it

normally ime not a person to critersize

other cultures.

i say live and let live .

weather they be blonds- rednecks

or what ever .

we have those sort of people here as well so they are universal.

but i got carried away with this one before ide

read it through

marty

[blim]

You're right, Marty!! Daughter became good friends with an exchange student from China, who is as ditzy as the day is long (she fit right into our family!). That was when Hubby proclaimed, "You don't have to have yellow hair to be a blonde"

Liz