Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes

[tg1911]

We're entering hurricane season. You may soon be turning on the TV and seeing

a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making

two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana. If you're new to the area,

you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that

we'll get hit by "the big one.''

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step

hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most

people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana. We'll start with one of the most important

hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is

cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built,

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other area that might

actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you

hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that

is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an

annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment,

this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies.

This week, the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company cover me, under a policy that states,

in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a

major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages

and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters:

The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.

The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters:

The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up.

The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding

stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters:

The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house.

The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof'' windows:

These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows,

but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman

says so.

He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills,

planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these

items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one

built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly

missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine

whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana,"

you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being

trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic

traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.

So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana

tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and

get into vicious fights with strangers over who get the last can of SPAM. In addition to food

and water, you will need the following supplies:

* 23 flashlights

* At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size

for the flashlights.

* Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but

it's traditional, so GET some!)

* A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

* A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through

Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

* $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that after the hurricane passes you can buy a generator

from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important

that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television, and watching TV reporters

in rain slickers, stand right next to the ocean, and tell you over and over how vitally important

it is, for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

[Bubba Bob]

HAHAHAHA! Funny, and true all at the same time.

Louisianians, truly smart people. So smart, they built CONCRETE interstate highways across swampland.

Hhehe, did you right all that yourself?

[tg1911]

No.

Got it in an E-mail.

[blim]

Good one, TG! Wait, no duct tape on the supply list??? Whoops, wrong emergency. Emailing this one to my sisters in Florida! Thanks,

Liz

[lamuskrat]

Good one TG. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why we have acceleration ramps to get on the interstate, that have stop signs at the end, and why we patch concrete with asphault....ONLY IN La.

(Transplanted here 16 years ago......Bad Yankee, Bad)

[Bubba Bob]

Good one TG. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why we have acceleration ramps to get on the interstate, that have stop signs at the end, and why we patch concrete with asphault....ONLY IN La.

(Transplanted here 16 years ago......Bad Yankee, Bad)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

and why we patch concrete with asphault....ONLY IN La.

The only thing i can figure is yall dont want drivers falling asleep while driving. If thats the case, good job

[tg1911]

Yeah, building roads on pudding, never made much sense, to me.

I've always thought the roads should have been made of rubber, and the tires of concrete.

[lamuskrat]

Yeah, building roads on pudding, never made much sense, to me.

I've always thought the roads should have been made of rubber, and the tires of concrete.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Don't give our new Gov. any new ideas, she'll probably go for it.LOl