Doctor

[martymas]

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her

baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,

lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the

wrong one.

************

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an

elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient

said sadly.

************

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not

more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest

of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

*************

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity

test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,

Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line

perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I

requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E

on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly

what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes

covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

***************

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble

with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The

patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and

now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him

quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the

man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions

include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And

you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the

obvious!

**************

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,

"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete

confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my

husband was alive.

**************

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your

breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky

Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient

replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a

foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

****************

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She

asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does

it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?"

she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.

[lamuskrat]

LMAO

Good ones

[tg1911]

[handplane]