The Deer Hunt

[tg1911]

1:00 AM......Alarm clock rings

2:00 AM......Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed

2:15 AM......Throw everything except kitchen sink in the pickup

3:00 AM......Leave for the deep woods

3:15 AM......Drive back home and pick up gun

3:30 AM......Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight

4:00 AM......Set up camp — forgot the damn tent

4:30 AM......Head into the woods

6:05 AM......See 3 deer

6:06 AM......Take aim and squeeze trigger

6:07 AM......"Click"

6:08 AM......Load gun while watching deer go over the hill

8:00 AM......Head back to camp

9:00 AM......Still looking for camp

10:00 AM......Realize you don't know where camp is

NOON ......Fire gun for help — eat wild berries

12:15 PM......Run out of berries, 3 deer come back

12:20 PM......Strange feeling in stomach

12:30 PM......Realize you ate poison berries

12:45 PM......Rescued

12:55 PM......Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped

3:00 PM......Arrive back in camp

3:30 PM......Leave camp to kill deer

4:00 PM......Return to camp for bullets

4:01 PM......Load gun — leave camp again

5:00 PM......Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you

6:00 PM......Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp

6:01 PM......Load gun

6:02 PM......Fire gun

6:03 PM......One dead truck

6:05 PM......Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer

6:06 PM......Repress strong desire to shoot partner

6:07 PM......Fall into fire

6:10 PM......Change clothes, throw burned ones in fire

6:15 PM......Take pickup and leave partner and his deer in woods

6:25 PM......Pickup boils over — hole shot in block

6:26 PM......Start walking

6:30 PM......Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud

6:35 PM......Meet bear

6:36 PM......Take aim

6:37 PM......Fire gun, blows up, barrel plugged with mud

6:38 PM......Crapped in pants

6:39 PM......Climb tree

9:00 PM......Bear departs, wrap gun around tree

MIDNIGHT......HOME AT LAST

SUNDAY......Watch football game on TV slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces, place in envelope, and mail to game warden with very clear instructions as to where to put it.