Answering Machine Messages

[Peaches]

Answering Machine Messages

1. Hi. This is John:

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough

money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don't worry,

I have plenty of money.

2. Hi! John's answering machine is broken.

This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

3. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken.

They are also very happy with their current phone service.

If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

4. The College Special.

A is for academics,

B is for beer.

One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

5. If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home cleaning our

weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

6. Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

7. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule

of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

8. We have just been kidnapped by an alien spaceship. If we do not return your call, you will know why.

[JDoors]

Don't get me started on THIS topic ...

[Peaches]

Here are a few more which are just jokes [i hope] ....

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you...

Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep?

Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.

(Narrator's voice:) There ________ sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with __________ in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!

My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval.

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

Oh and I have used this one on a Live solicitation call ..........

Since you are using my telephone to solicit business I thought I would let you know that I charge $80.00/for 5 minutes of my time & for the use of my phone. Would you please give me your address so I can bill you.

And I have used this one on a live solicitation call ...

"I am so glad you called .. did you know that my uncle has alzheimers and I had to get braces done on my kid's teeth and it sure costs a lot of money so would you like to donate to a good cause. Did you say you were sending me $100.00 - now that is mighty generous and thank you so can I bill you on your Visa or Mastercard? I am so glad you called I really need to talk to you because I am feeling lonely today so are you good looking, how much do you weigh and are you rich? At this point I hear the receiver at the other end go "clunk".