Oil Change Instructions

[Peaches]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee

3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00

Coffee: $1.00

Total: $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1500.00

Beer: $20.00

Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...... AND TO MEN WHO CAN HANDLE IT...

[JDoors]

Been there, done that (but remove all alcohol-related steps) so you know why I get my oil changed at JiffyLube.

Minor nit-pick:

"2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $20, drive home."

Where are 7/11's that accept checks?

[isteve]

Wow, just got done changing the oil in my Cherokee. Next week the Miata.

[Honda_Boy]

Heck I paid Jimmy to do my last oil change while he had my car for the rear disc brake swap. It was too cold outside and he has a giant heated shop.

This is funny but really, changing my oil ain't nothin but a thing. I get a little oil a grease on my hands and I smell like oil until a change of clothes but that's it. It does however cost me more but that's cause I use Full Synthetic Mobil 1 and use good oil filters (either Honda or Wix). I do that for peace of mind though. A Lightning Lube royal screwed up on my car when I got it's first oil change after getting it. Lets just say it started with me explaining over and over again what car to lookup and it ended with a broken windshield washer system, missing drain plug washer, and a quart low on oil after a week. Never again. Either me or Jimmy and that's it.

Edited March 18, 2009 by Honda_Boy

[blim]

Funny but also how true! Our local place gets my business. They have saved me bigbucks because they've caught things that were leaking/broken and told me to go to the mechanic before I get stranded!

Liz