Computer Tech Support

[Peaches]

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

* * * * *

And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

* * * * *

I once received a FAX with a note on the bottom, asking me to FAX the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

* * * * *

Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"

* * * * *

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:

Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

* * * * *

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

* * * * *

Tech Support: "All right...now, double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows: because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term, sir. I don't believe it was meant to ..."

Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you double-click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"

Customer: [click-click]

* * * * *

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

* * * * *

Tech Support: "OK, Sir, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

"Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Sir."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Sir."

Customer: "I am not going to do that!"

* * * * *

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man explained that he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer *still* couldn't find it!

* * * * *

Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software OK, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"

* * * * *

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong..

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in, it turned out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.

Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I've brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office ... Did I do something wrong?"

* * * * *

This guy called in to complain that he got an "Access Denied" message every time he tried to log in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "O.K., let's try once more, but use lower case letters."

Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

* * * * *

Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

* * * * *

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about

15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

[JDoors]

...

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong..

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in, it turned out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.

Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I've brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office ... Did I do something wrong?"

* * * * *

Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

* * * * *

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about

15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

My fav's!

[isteve]

I do tech support for a school. About a month ago a teacher tells me that she doesn't have her internet and if I could fix it. I click on firefox it opens and I can surf. I tell it's working and must been a glitch. The same thing happens about a hour later I show her that firefox is able to connect and works fine. She then tells me that isn't her internet, it's her aids internet. She says her internet has a "e" on it and it's missing from the desktop.

Also we have our library book inventory on our server so anyone anywhere in the building can search for books. I tell everyone if they type 192.168.149.198 in the address bar they can use the service. Quick list of questions. What's a address bar? Will this work at home? Google can't find the book catalog. Why are some of the books currently unavailable? How do I bookmark the number?