Dating Rules

[martymas]

how many of us used these dating rules

for our daughters

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a

package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at

her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot

keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your

age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off

their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your

friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about

this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your

underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.

However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off

during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric

nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without

utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate:

when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about

sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The

only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to

have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you

on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities

to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my

daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will

continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make

her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to

appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want

to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is

putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the

Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do

something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my

daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a

wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within

eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,

holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm

enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or

anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to

her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;

movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks

homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding,

middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I

am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you

are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole

truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres

behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake

the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice

paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in

my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my

daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your

car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce

in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,

then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The

camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[garmanma]

Reminds me of back in the day, and I went through 2 daughters. Some of the ones that came for the youngest are lucky they're still walking this planet. Thank God she finaaly grew up

Mark

[blim]

Augghhhh, the memories! Grew up in a family with 5 daughters and at one point us 5 girls were ages 13-18. Heard my Dad say each one of those!

When my Daughter brings boys home, I try to hide Hubby in the closet

Liz

[jimras]

Good one, Marty..........brings back lots of memories...............

My wife and I had a son and a daughter.

Both are married now to wonderful people, and have given

us wonderful grandkids, too.

I remember when my daughter's boyfriend came over one

night and (YES, HE REALLY DID THIS) asked me for

her hand in marriage.

I let him sweat for about 10 seconds and then said "Well, OK"

Boy, has he turned out to be a winner!!!

Brings back lots of memories

thanks..........jim

[blim]

Jim, when Hubby "had the talk with Dad" (because he had to!), my Dad said,

"Are you nuts? Are you of sound mind? You want to marry HER?? Do you have any idea what you're getting into??"

Smarta$$

Liz

[marko_tomas13]

This one made me laugh because I have actually done something similar.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to

appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want

to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is

putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the

Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do

something useful, like change the oil in my car?

I changed the oil in my girlfriends parents cars just as a favour haha

[garmanma]

"Augghhhh, the memories! Grew up in a family with 5 daughters and at one point us 5 girls were ages 13-18. Heard my Dad say each one of those!"

My uncle had 6 right in a row. He used to say girls should be buried when they're 13 years old and dug back up when they're 26

" when Hubby "had the talk with Dad" (because he had to!), my Dad said,

"Are you nuts? Are you of sound mind? You want to marry HER?? Do you have any idea what you're getting into??"

I'd open their bedroom door and show them what they were getting into housekeeping-wise

Mark

[martymas]

hi all

yes i went through all of those quotes

tho my daugher and i was close

her mother wasent so lenient

so when any thing was needed wheres dad

yes it brings back memorys

marty

[deaf_girl]

The joys of trying to destroy your daughters date.

My brother raised me since I was little and was always overprotective. He freaked when I wanted to start dating. He has used most of these rules, plus other creative ways of assuring sabotage of my dates. Some of my favorites:

1) Having friends over for "gun cleaning" parties.

2) Same friends, asking to see a drivers license. Each taking their time to study it and memorize full names and addresses.

3) Start playing video games, watching sports, going to look at his car. Anything to get date to not go anywhere and "just hang out at the house"

4) And my personal favorite, to tell my date that it was really nice that he is taking me out, especially with my "condition". Never told them what that condition was or that there wasn't one. This one was pulled a number of times before I found out.

Another that was thought of but never used (thank god) was to give the date a diaper bag and tell him I wasn't potty trained.

[garmanma]

Thanks for the extra ideas Deaf Girl. My all time favorite is still Robert DeNiro and the lie detector

Mark

[marko_tomas13]

Thanks for the extra ideas Deaf Girl. My all time favorite is still Robert DeNiro and the lie detector

Mark

Sit down....ever taken a polygraph?

Haha truly a great movie moment.

[JDoors]

...Another that was thought of but never used (thank god) was to give the date a diaper bag and tell him I wasn't potty trained.

Whoa, there's protective, and then there's just plain sick!

[Fretevang]

Does somebody use dating sites?