martymas Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 (edited) when i read these i laughed so much i spilled my porridgeThe late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent. * * * * * * *An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?""Who told you that?" asked Paddy. * * * * * * *Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer - So the English can understand them. * * * * * * *Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?" * * * * * * *Irish lass to merchant: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."* * * * * * *Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time." * * * * * * *Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A. A bachelor.* * * * * * *Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til three o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.* * * * * * *Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!""Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."* * * * * * *"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin'off!" * * * * * * *Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?* * * * * * *Me mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?*#2A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business cardand told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollarsout of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.The Democrat was very impressed. When they came to another homeless person,he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave himdirections to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket andgot out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats.#3Why I Fired My SecretaryLast week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office,my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way, "Happy Birthday! "It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go !" We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.On the way back to the office, said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.""Ok." I nervously replied.She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".And I just sat there...On the couch...Naked.#4 GIs by nature have such a great sense of humor. In the face of the most trying adversity, while standing knee deep in crap or in a raging storm, they will always be counted on to come up with such really good stuff as this. T-shirts are always a problem in the military. The following directive was issued by the Commanding Officer of a naval installation in the Mid-East and was obliviously directed at the Marines.To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt. 2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:"Eat Pork or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [both English and Arabic versions]"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more" [both English and Arabic versions]"The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]"Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [both Arabic and English versions]"Pork. The other white meat." [Arabic version]"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]3. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive. 4. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily.""Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"5. All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt. #5This is a test for "youngsters" and "oldsters"! Theanswers are printed below, but don't you cheat.01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?_______________.02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________Show.03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed___________________."05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle,________________."06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and theWatusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the"_____________."07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the verybest....... _______________."08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?_______________.10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named__________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and "________ ________".11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.12. The cute little car with the engine in the backand the trunk in the front was called the VW. Whatother names did it go by? ____________ &_______________.13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died."This was a tribute to___________________.14. We can remember the first satellite placed intoorbit. The Russians did it. It was called___________________.15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________.ANSWERS:01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.02. The Ed Sullivan Show03. On Route 6604. To protect the innocent.05. The Lion sleeps tonight06. The limbo07. Chocolate08. Louis Armstrong09. The Timex watch10. Freddy, The Freeloader,and "Good Night,and may GodBless."11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)12. Beetle or Bug13. Buddy Holly14. Sputnik15. Hoola-hoopSend this to your "old" friends. It will drive themcrazy! And, keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes!#6THE SNOTTY RECEPTIONISTAn older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied , "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!!!!#7The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven Dwarfs" they get ushered in to see the Pope.Dopey leads the pack."Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around And gives them a glare, silencing them.Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf Nuns in all of Europe?"The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey Turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf Nuns in the whole world?"The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere In the world."The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting.................."Dopey screwed a penguin!""Dopey screwed a penguin!""Dopey screwed a penguin!"#8Warning - Lock Your Doors!Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!An Ottawa man was found in his home over the weekend.Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtubThe tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt Police suspect a cereal killer. #9An oldie but goodie!Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.... "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." #10Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having agreat time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard.Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water whorescued her.The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. Thecaptain was grateful as well as astonished that thewhite-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. Thatnight a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderlyhero. He was called forward to receive an award and wasasked to say a few words.He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."#11NURSERY RHYMES FOR BIG KIDSMary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard. MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread. JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son. SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the Pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you dumb #$%!" HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again. HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock. GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad........ She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car. #12I walked into a Blimbie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door. They walk among us and many work retail. --------- A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. My friend decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. They walk among us. -------- One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" They Walk among us! ==================== While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!! ==================== I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific. " They Walk Among Us! ==================== My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." They Walk Among Us! ==================== My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us! ==================== My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us! ==================== I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us! ==================== While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." Yep, They Walk Among Us! ==================== They walk among us, AND they reproduce! #13A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."#14A pirate walked into a bar in Miami and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.""What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine.""What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.""Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.""Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?""We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really""What about that eye patch?""Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.""You're kidding," said the bartender, "you can't lose an eye just from some bird poop.""It was my first day with the hook."#15 Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years. Defense Attorney: What happened next?Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.#16A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation, no one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda Mini-van to transport their children! The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause, Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Screw the Preacher!" P.S. 'Isn't senility something else?' Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.#17A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life." "Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man. "Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." #18Rodney Dangerfield Says:My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me To time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, Yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a Sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I Went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self service. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate Myself now." I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's When you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes Off. I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex Offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the Kitchen the roaches hang themselves. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for Mooning. When I was born, the Doctor slapped my Mother.The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early." My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night. My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with!#19Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State ; 1. She wanted to taste some real Texa s Bar-B- Que. 2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And.. 3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable! "And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!" They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?" "Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!" #20While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drovewildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Democrat in the family before."#21It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And,he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations'most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one"The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."#22Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen. They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they board a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six magnificent white horses. They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart and the smell was excruciating, both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses. The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential," replies: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... If you had not mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses." #23John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?#24On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?. "No," said the little boy happily..."It's a puppy!" #25While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Democrat in the family before."#26A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After itreached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY NO!"Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"#27Subject: Upper ManagementDear Employee;As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future .Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled toget:H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retire Personnel' s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees throughour:Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!The Management#28HilariousBe sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see what's happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00 A family member placed a call to Citibank:Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead? "Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"Bank: "Excuse me?"Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."Supervisor gets on the phone:Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"Bank: (Stammer)"Are you her lawyer?"Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given) Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax:Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"Bank: "That might help."Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?" Edited March 28, 2007 by martymas Quote Link to post Share on other sites
JDoors Posted March 28, 2007 Report Share Posted March 28, 2007 ... joke overload! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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