martymas Posted January 29, 2007 Report Share Posted January 29, 2007 here are some of george carlins one linersi had to change some of the words as george used to call it as it soundsNew Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: Mowing my lawn. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have s-x with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY b-----s New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his az will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated t he Starbucks order, the bigger the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a-hole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your az. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had it with George Michael . I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Link to post Share on other sites
handplane Posted January 30, 2007 Report Share Posted January 30, 2007 Besides being funny, he also makes sense. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
martymas Posted January 30, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2007 hi handplane i udsed to love his showsan friend from florida bill mellenson sends me george carlin one linersyes he does make sensemarty Quote Link to post Share on other sites
shanenin Posted January 30, 2007 Report Share Posted January 30, 2007 (edited) I remember as a young child, he was the first stand up comedian I ever heard. I loved him. I want to comment on a few of his funny lines, but am worried I will cause a controversy on the board. I will take a chance. I love this one:New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have s-x with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY b-----s Edited January 30, 2007 by shanenin Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garmanma Posted January 30, 2007 Report Share Posted January 30, 2007 I remember as a young child, he was the first stand up comedian I ever heard. I loved him. I want to comment on a few of his funny lines, but am worried I will cause a controversy on the board. I will take a chance. I love this one:New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have s-x with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY b-----sBrings back fine, fine memories of my History teacher Miss Mattingly. Oh, the sweaters she used to wear. She had every male in school drooling. Hey I admit it. I'm a pig. Like I tell my daughters, All men are pigs Mark Quote Link to post Share on other sites
shanenin Posted January 30, 2007 Report Share Posted January 30, 2007 (edited) . Like I tell my daughters, All men are pigs Thats good advice. They need to assume that unless otherwise shown. I have a daughter that is almost 15 myself(and a younger one) I worry that some guy is going to take advantage of her. Edited January 30, 2007 by shanenin Quote Link to post Share on other sites
martymas Posted January 31, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2007 my daughter is now married and i have a grand daughter who is thirteenand for god sake grand dads worry as well so it is a never ending cycle let me ask one Q are we worried because we think those boys were like our selvesor is it a part of the human life cyclemarty Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blim Posted January 31, 2007 Report Share Posted January 31, 2007 My sympathies to Shanenin and Marty! And *knock wood*, my Daughter has an "attitude" with boys! *knocks wood again*And Marty, as my Hubby says,"Having a Daughter scares me to death as I was a teenaged boy once-I know how they think!"And he was very willing to tell her "men are pigs" when she was in tears over a past boyfriend. Every comfort I gave her didn't sink in, but Daddy got her to stop crying and get a "mad-on" with his statement, Bless his heart! With teenaged girls and boy problems, "mad" is much easier on parents than "sad"!And LOVE George Carlin! He IS right!!Liz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
garmanma Posted January 31, 2007 Report Share Posted January 31, 2007 My sympathies to Shanenin and Marty! And *knock wood*, my Daughter has an "attitude" with boys! *knocks wood again*And Marty, as my Hubby says,"Having a Daughter scares me to death as I was a teenaged boy once-I know how they think!"And he was very willing to tell her "men are pigs" when she was in tears over a past boyfriend. Every comfort I gave her didn't sink in, but Daddy got her to stop crying and get a "mad-on" with his statement, Bless his heart! With teenaged girls and boy problems, "mad" is much easier on parents than "sad"!And LOVE George Carlin! He IS right!!LizMy one daughter is like yours. In fact I was surprised when she finally did settle down in a relationship. Both mine are happy now and have nice guys and get along great. I don't know what we did right, but I'm glad we did it. It's one less thing to worry aboutMark Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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