Myspace Friend

[shanenin]

My daughter and I kind of got into an argument about myspace. She was trying to tell my wife that she only talks to friends with it. My point was what determines a myspace friend. Is a "friend" any stranger that she declares as a friend. Could some of her myspace "friends" be strangers?

Any insight into how myspace works would be appreciated.

[irregularjoe]

My daughter and I kind of got into an argument about myspace. She was trying to tell my wife that she only talks to friends with it. My point was what determines a myspace friend. Is a "friend" any stranger that she declares as a friend. Could some of her myspace "friends" be strangers?

Any insight into how myspace works would be appreciated.

How old is she?

One computer show talk host said that he only allows his kids to "myspace" with real live friends, ie: schoolmates, neighbors, etc.

I'm glad my kid grew up before the internet age. Not sure what I would do nowadays. Probably lock the computer.

Joe

[shanenin]

He will be 15 in march. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her. I think she makes good desisions, but....

I got the impression she was lying to me. Thier is a setting in my space to just allow "friends", but what constitutes a myspace "friend" ?

[robroy]

Basically I believe that it is anyone that you classify as a friend and who does the same for you

[Potato2k4]

In order for someone to become your "friend" you must either add them from their profile which they have to approve or the same way with them going to your profile. Myspace is relatively safe as long as your kid has some common sense. Although it is very possible for her to have "strangers" as "friends" on her myspace, most kids know the dangers and wouldn't do that. There have been cases in the past where "myspace whoring" was very popular. Myspace whoring is where you send out a bulletin to all of your friends to add seemingly random people in order to increase your (and their) friend count. Its a competition of internet popularity, but for the most part isn't too dangerous. The only thing to really worry about is if she is adding strangers, that they arent trying to 'meet up' somewhere or something like that could be potentially dangerous.

EDIT** Also, make sure your kids don't give out ANY personal info over the net even to "friends".

Edited December 30, 2006 by Potato2k4

[blim]

Like Tater says, yes, there are some permissions-giving with adding friends. I ALSO read somewhere that if you put your age as under 13, there are also extra safeguards for Myspace. Who cares if the Myspace says she's 12.....all her friends know better!!

Liz

[Potato2k4]

what blim said is true, and there are also extra extra privacy settings in your options.

[hitest]

With my 12 year old, shanenin, I require that she only chat with real friends, that is, friends from school, people that she and I both know. I am very paranoid of even the remote possibility that she could be chatting with some creepy adult male predator. My daughter has her chat client set to accept only a set group of individuals. Freaks are out there, man!

[mikex]

adding my $0.02

Both of my kids have myspace. They are 11/boy and 13/girl. Their profiles are private, ie they have to invite someone to view it. I also have their login info, this can be a whole other topic. But if trust is the issue work out an agreement you and your wife will have a myspace and will be on her friends list to be able to check in. As a parent it is your job to protect your children, but you also have to let them roam to earn trust and to learn from their mistakes.

In the end if they have nothing to hide then why hide it. But the trust HAS to be a two way arrangement.

M

[blim]

Whoa-ho! Mike! What a good idea to have a parent on the friends list!

Liz

[shanenin]

Thanks for all the good advice :-)

[Potato2k4]

adding my $0.02

Both of my kids have myspace. They are 11/boy and 13/girl. Their profiles are private, ie they have to invite someone to view it. I also have their login info, this can be a whole other topic. But if trust is the issue work out an agreement you and your wife will have a myspace and will be on her friends list to be able to check in. As a parent it is your job to protect your children, but you also have to let them roam to earn trust and to learn from their mistakes.

In the end if they have nothing to hide then why hide it. But the trust HAS to be a two way arrangement.

M

Well, as a teenager I have to disagree with you. I don't think parents should 'push' their way into their kids personal lives, I don't have anything to hide but I don't share my stuff with my parents. If they open up to you thats fine, but I wouldn't push it on them, it makes them angry, and distant. It also makes them feel like you don't trust them, which is a big deal especially with teens. Also when you do stuff like that it makes them want to hide other things more, for fear of your 'invasion'.

[blim]

It all depends on the technique and presentation! And dumb luck!

If a parent

"thinks this 'newfangled-myspace-thing' is so cool and can I please be a friend if I don't tell anyone I'm your Mom and if I don't post anything, but you can post anything you want on MY myspace...and while we're at it, can you teach ME how to make a myspace?",

they can keep tabs without the child feeling threatened (and notice the "please"--asking for permission is important! Like Mike said, it's a two way street and if the child says NO, that means NO!).

If done right and with a little bit of dumb luck, the child realizes the parent is taking interest and embracing what is important in their lives (which the parent is!! And truly wants to!!) and the child hopefully doesn't feel threatened--the child feels complimented.

Yeah, could be construed as kind of a trick I suppose, but in the long run, it IS a parent taking interest in their child's lives; and that means so much to a child's self esteem in a world where parents are so caught up in work and their daily lives that their children sometimes play second fiddle. If it is presented with a positive approach, (and dumb luck!) child feels important, parents feel less worry!

Not any different than taking the kids to the park when they're little; parents get to feel like parents and kids know their folks want to be involved in their lives, that's family!

Coming from someone who's kids' friends also call Mom (which I absolutely LOVE by the way, it's the ultimate compliment--I guess I'm nosey, but they seem to know I'm nosey because I love them and I've only tattled to another parent once because I was worried about a child's physical welfare, and believe me, I was privvy to many secrets!)

Liz

Edited December 30, 2006 by blim

[Honda_Boy]

Ok I have a myspace, only folks on my list are people I either know in real life, people from good ole BT, or my buds from TennSpeed.net. Now you also have to take into account I am 18, a male, a gun enthusiast, and a car owner with a job, so I am not really at risk of anything. I trust my buds at TennSpeed cause they are in my state and we have scheduled real life meets. A big one is in May which is an auto show being held by one of the members employers. Again, I'm a gun enthusiast with a car, so I'm not worried. Plus it's an annual meet with large amounts of people showing up, plus you have to pay to get in. A very common non dangerous situation.

Parents should take some safe guards without being too invasive. My parents pretty much hit the nail on the head with me. They sheltered me from some things but not to some others. Basically I learned what I should have, when I should have. Plus a military dad that will beat your @$$ when you screw up can scare any kid straight but his my best bud now. He's only strict with me in school. I hang out with him often and talk to him like I do with my friends minus some foul language. What? I'm 18 and I went to public high school.

don't tell them, but they still don't know I've raced on the streets before. Only a coupla times and not like what you've seen on TV. Just me being out and randomly coming across someone who wants to rev on me and I put them in their place.

My parents can take extreme pride in the fact though they raised a non-drinker, non-smoker, anti drug, celibate until marriage, son. They can also take pride that my brother is the same way except the drinking (it's OK he's 24 and he only lightly drinks. At the most one beer a day)

[Steamhead]

Another teenager perspective here:

I completely understand why parents want to control as many aspects of their child's lives for as long as they can. I guess you can call that a motherly instinct or something similar. A mother doesn't want that 40 year old guy talking to her 13 year old daughter. The only problem is, a parent can't wrap their kid up in bubble wrap and tie them to a seat to protect them. There has to be room to explore and room to be a kid and make their own choices.

The problem with most parent's view of internet communication is that some think that every person on the internet is that perverted 40 year old guy. I guess watching Dateline stories every night will do that to you.

Parents should make sure their kids know the dangers of internet and teach them the basics. Don't give out personal information, don't be stupid and plan a get together with someone, yadda yadda. Unless your kid is really dim witted he/she should get by just fine. Not every person is a criminal, and if your child is educated enough to see the difference, then he/she is set. Parents that take the view of bumping into the kids personal space as much as they can agitate me. Let them live.

I guess this all sums down to trust and education.

yet I am only 15, what do I know?

[JDoors]

Well, as a teenager I have to disagree with you. I don't think parents should 'push' their way into their kids personal lives ...

I think they've been saying it depends on the age of the child, their level of maturity, and the level of trust earned by the child. Certainly a twelve-year-old who's been known to decieve their parents in the past needs someone to watch what they're doing on the Internet, while a fifteen-year-old who's comfortable with the Internet and shows a respect for the potential dangers and has shown no reason to be mistrusted can be given much more leeway.

Now, which are you?

[mikex]

The trust and communication cannot start with a teenager, it has to start as a toddler. My wife got upset with me because I did not keep my kids out off situations where they may get hurt. I would tell them if this happened then this would happen latter, being a punishment or a scrape on the knee. When they did their deed it was time for the repercussions bloody knee needing to be cleaned <insert loud crying> or the punishment. If nothing happened then they did a great job either way. We have pointed out family members who are known to use drugs. This was so my kids can see the good and bad in life.

I am not here to offend anyone so these are MY opinions only. But as a parent, you teenagers listen up because you will be parents also, talk to your kids and hang out with them. Keep the things they say to you, don't use that as conversation with your friend because the trust will erode between you and your child.

All this to say communicate early.

M

[Potato2k4]

Another teenager perspective here:

I completely understand why parents want to control as many aspects of their child's lives for as long as they can. I guess you can call that a motherly instinct or something similar. A mother doesn't want that 40 year old guy talking to her 13 year old daughter. The only problem is, a parent can't wrap their kid up in bubble wrap and tie them to a seat to protect them. There has to be room to explore and room to be a kid and make their own choices.

The problem with most parent's view of internet communication is that some think that every person on the internet is that perverted 40 year old guy. I guess watching Dateline stories every night will do that to you.

Parents should make sure their kids know the dangers of internet and teach them the basics. Don't give out personal information, don't be stupid and plan a get together with someone, yadda yadda. Unless your kid is really dim witted he/she should get by just fine. Not every person is a criminal, and if your child is educated enough to see the difference, then he/she is set. Parents that take the view of bumping into the kids personal space as much as they can agitate me. Let them live.

I guess this all sums down to trust and education.

yet I am only 15, what do I know?

Well said, Steamhead.

Well, as a teenager I have to disagree with you. I don't think parents should 'push' their way into their kids personal lives ...

I think they've been saying it depends on the age of the child, their level of maturity, and the level of trust earned by the child. Certainly a twelve-year-old who's been known to deceive their parents in the past needs someone to watch what they're doing on the Internet, while a fifteen-year-old who's comfortable with the Internet and shows a respect for the potential dangers and has shown no reason to be mistrusted can be given much more leeway.

Now, which are you?

Hehe I just so happen to be the latter, but I understand what you're getting at and it does make sense.

[garmanma]

I let both my daughters have a resonable amount of freedom growing up. You learn by your mistakes. But I was always in the backround to make sure it was a learning experience and not something harmful. At the time they were both struggling for their independence and were not always happy with me, but they both tell me now they were glad I did. You'll be surprised how much you turn into your parents, the older you get. Just hope its soon enough to realize it and hug your parents, mine wasn't

Mark

[martymas]

unfortunately i havent got my space

and i havent a clue how to access it

i have the added advantage of not haveing teenagers any more

tho i had my worries

but as some one says trust is a two way thing

today it is a very hard world out there for kids

they are under pressure from all sides

parents.teachers.

authoritys

you name it they have it

im a firm believer

to get to know your children

join them

when it is appropiate

but dont go over board

what ever we do when they are young

is what they turn out to be

luckly for me

my children turned out ok

but they were different times

marty

[JDoors]

... get to know your children, join them when it is appropiate, but dont go over board ...

It's a tough balancing act that can go wrong either way. Too much trust and the kids could be harmed, too little and they may not become self-sufficient. I know of someone, uh-hem, who had complete and total free reign, not because they were trusted or trustworthy, but because the parent was uninterested in their well-being. They didn't care enough to worry. So all you kids annoyed by interferring parents, try to understand, your parents are just expressing their concerns about someone they love (though your parents have to recognize that as an adolescent, you're genetically programmed to be annoyed by your parents ).

[thesidekickcat]

U.S. News magazine had an interesting balanced article on MySpace et al a few months ago. The main article plus the related ones via the links, might give some perspective on the issue with enough information for both youngsters and parents to have a good talk about the family rules concerning it's use.

Decoding MySpace

Pat

God bless everyone

[Potato2k4]

...Last year, as Margaret Sullivan was reviewing the websites her 13-year-old daughter had visited on the family computer, up popped something called myspace.com. Curious, she clicked on it. "Oh, my God," she thought, as she brought up a page with her daughter's full name, photograph, and school name and location in Wood-Ridge, N.J., along with personal details like her favorite bands and TV shows. "I was so upset," says Sullivan. "All someone had to do to find her was call up the school." At first, her daughter, Shannon, denied knowing anything about the site. "I knew she wasn't going to like what was up there," she says. But Shannon was distressed, too. She couldn't believe her mom was nosing around what she thought was a private place online. "I didn't know everyone could see my page," says Shannon. "I just thought it was a way to talk with my friends."...

Example of an incautious, and in my opinion, not very smart teen. Any person with common sense would know not to publish their personal info on a public site, and the fact that she "didn't know it was public" goes to show most people don't read the warnings or gather info about what they're signing up for.

...But MySpace has captured parents' imaginations like no other, and in the worst possible way. To many parents, who may have gotten an eyeful of its sometimes-titillating profiles and photos, MySpace seems like Lake Wobegon gone horribly wrong: a place where all the women are fast, the men are hard-drinking, and the children take an above-average interest in imitating them. How can they allow their kids to roam freely in such an environment? Anyone could be lurking there...

That is a horrible stereotype, and is not true, at least in the case of my friends.

...Among the many millions of people visiting these sites, some, indeed, are sexual predators, and there have been some highly publicized accounts of teenagers who've been lured into offline meetings at which they've been assaulted. Parents, understandably, are traumatized by such stories...

They also fail to mention that the FBI and police use it to catch said 'predators'.

I think this article was fairly bias, from a parents standpoint, which seems to be the problem with most articles/news stories about myspace. No one gives the teens a chance to speak and when they do they change the wording to make myspace sound bad.

[JDoors]

... I think this article was fairly bias, from a parents standpoint, which seems to be the problem with most articles/news stories about myspace. No one gives the teens a chance to speak and when they do they change the wording to make myspace sound bad.

Same goes for video games, fashion, music, movies, etc. We are a society of Chicken Littles.

[mikex]

I had read that myspace will incorporate a cross reference database of registered sexual offenders. This is all good but can you say John Smith, or John Q. Public.

But it is a step in the right direction.