Golf Truisms

[jimras]

As many of you may (or may not) know, I am an AVID golfer

and therefore I love and collect golf jokes.

Enjoy!!

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during

Your swing,

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit

One more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome

Ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can

Immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear

And top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, more likely he is to share his ideas

About your golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of

The one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for

All of your many other errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt for a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like

Expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as "chalant" putts. It's not a gimme if

You're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a

Straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large

Tree.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way

You meant to play it.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90%

Of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a

Much earlier age.

Since bad things come in threes, a fourth bad shot is actually the

Beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again

At exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you

Ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple

Bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to

Lay up just short of a water hazard.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top

And checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and

Which one is wearing the glove.

You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no

Golfer can put a straight on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is

In the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the

Lawn.

Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up

The game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having

To pray a lot. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than

You are ... That is why I get so many calls to play.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about

Skipping out on lawn work.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen.

And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

A pro shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of

A professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace

His divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven,

He shot an eight or nine.

You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway. A sweatshirt will

Do just fine.

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain

Surgeon.

On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat

Hot dogs and <flatulate> while performing brain surgery.

[martymas]

my sig explains my golfing skills

marty

[blim]

Copy, paste and email to my Golf-O-Holic Sister and Brother In Law! Thanks, Jim! They'll love it.

Liz