Pessemist

[martymas]

hi all would you class this guy as a pessemist who needs help

marty

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue

on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that

needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)

who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the

$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating

in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out

for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water

buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward

an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove

toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so

a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these

products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave

anymore because it will blow up in my face..disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked

with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume

sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al

Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our

American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number

for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,

and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free

replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their

recipe.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can

live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the

parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting

underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas

companies!

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown

African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it

bites my butt.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70

minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this

afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to

grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next

door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

New Study A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,

has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read

their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

[JDoors]

It would be even funnier if I didn't receive most of those e-mails each and every week.