Jokes

[martymas]

FUNNY QUOTES: GENERAL COMEDIAN RAVINGS

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

Rodney Dangerfield.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

Ellen DeGeners.

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."

George Carlin.

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"

Paul Merton.

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."

Steve Martin.

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."

Les Dawson.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."

Steven Wright (...more Steven Wright Quotes).

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

George Burns.

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

Marty Feldman.

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

Robin Williams.

[martymas]

more quotes

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on"

Samuel Goldwyn.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "

Charlie Brown.

"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."

Robin Williams.

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

Jim Carrey.

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."

Alfred Hitchcock.

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."

Peter O'Toole.

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."

Bob Hope.

"I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe."

Bob Hope

"He reminded me a little of Walt Disney's version of a mad scientist."

Steven Spielberg (on Star Wars Director George Lucas)

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

David Letterman.

[hitest]

LOL

[martymas]

and one more

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love ."

"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."

"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."

[sultan_emerr]

Lots of funny stuff.

Thanks Marty.

[JDoors]

Tons o' good stuff in there!