English Jokes

[martymas]

TypicalEnglish humour and clean........

> Well....as some of you are probably aware, Tim Vine is "The Daddy"

>

> As proven by the following... Enjoy

>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give

> me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go

> for it.''

>

> "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They

> left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that

> was nice."

>

> "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an

> ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with

> one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount

> of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

>

> When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought,

> "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....

>

> Exit signs - they're on the way out.

>

> This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of

> your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a

> turn-up for the books."

>

> "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were

> chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He

> said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

>

> So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said

> "My dog's died."

>

> "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was

> in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the

> dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

>

> The price of hearing aids has gone up? Deaf people across the country

> are going "how much?"

>

> "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

> 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."

>

> "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local

> swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

>

> "I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my

> house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

>

> "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5

> people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or

> my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu.

> But I think it's Colin."

>

> "I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?...crematoriums"

>

> And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's

> bisatchel.

>

> But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack

> myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

>

> I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull

> a fast one'.

>

> I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a

> bit choppy.

>

> Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril

> it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

>

> So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance

> caller", he said "Not you again".

>

> So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a

> complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled

> onions".

>

> So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about

> your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

>

> I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How

> many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one

> please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I

> said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

>

> "You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick.

> Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

>

> You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the

> night before and shoot the fox.

>

> You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a

> catolytic converter.

>

> So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he

> went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china

> in my hand."

>

> You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

>

> I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

>

> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best

> Before End...'

>

> So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I

> said "No, just a watch."

>

> I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The

> bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

>

> So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy

> said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign

> it is."

>

> I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me

> a Volkswagen with no driver.

>

> I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He

> said, "You've got cholera."

>

> So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his

> name, it's P something T something R.

>

> I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put

> it down.

>

> I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and

> on.

>

> My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I

> wouldn't do it if you paid me."

>

> So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I

> said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No,

> this is for the custard."

>

> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin

> paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

>

> So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

> It was a turtle disaster.

>

> So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said

> "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

>

> So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having

> me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising

> you anything."

>

> So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

>

> So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull

> goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

>

> So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen

> on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

>

> I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't

> swing a cat in there.

>

> I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the

> shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

>

> I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well

> I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's

> comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

>

> So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The

> Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman

> Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said

> "How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!"

>

> Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

>

> But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a

> competition and I won a years supply of Marmite...... ... one jar.

>

> So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was

> Weggie Kray.

>

> My local police chief does a talk on heroin. So you can't understand

> any of it.

>

> I was mugged recently and I burst into tears. This policman came up to

> me and said "I'm fining you £10". I said "for crying out loud". He

> said "yes".

>

> This is an Alphabet grenade. If it goes off, it could spell disaster.

>

> --

> Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to wear ear plugs. ~ Spike

> Milligan

[bobbynichols]

[JDoors]

Some of the ones I understood were funny!

Some of the ones I understood I "got." British humour -- Uh-hem.

Some, I have NO IDEA what they're talkin' about!

[martymas]

because i live in an english

speaking society

i understand them

tho some had me thinking

english humour

is quite dry and suttle

which i like

the meaning in the back ground

unlike american

humor [see it is spelt different]

wich is slapstick

or taking the mickey out of other people

but humour humor

is the same all round the world

the object is to make you laugh

ha ha ha ha

marty